A Coaching Power Tool By Rebekah Christensen, Leadership and Life Coach, AUSTRALIA
Criticism vs. Generosity Power Tool
I have had two clients who have shown a tendency to be self-critical, in a way that inhibited their ability to move forward. This self-criticism was coupled with very high expectations of themselves and perfectionist tendencies. It really struck a chord with me, because I carry these traits too!
These clients are exceptionally intelligent, capable, and experienced individuals who contribute greatly to the world around them. And yet their self-criticism limited their ability to see, value, and celebrate their contributions, as well as preventing them from addressing the challenges they brought to our coaching sessions.
This made me curious about self-criticism, how widespread it is, and the impact it has on us. It also made me curious to explore ways we can flip this perspective and invite a different mindset that is more supportive, productive, and empowering. That has led me to create this power tool of Criticism versus Generosity.
I was able to try elements of this power tool with both of the clients I’ve mentioned and found it was useful for them. By inviting a more self-generous perspective, they were able to reframe their thinking about themselves to acknowledge the useful and productive things they have done or can contribute. This reframe provided a stepping stone to ‘unlocking’ new pathways for them to explore in relation to their coaching goal. It’s now also a resource I have to help myself in those moments when I catch myself in a self-critical spiral.
Criticism vs. Generosity Definition
Criticism
Def: “an opinion given about something or someone, esp. a negative opinion, or the activity of making such judgments” (https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/criticism )
Criticism is widespread in our world. We have all witnessed public figures who are enthusiastically criticized as soon as they make a mistake or fail to meet our expectations. It’s also common to see a sports fan focus on the 5% of the game that went wrong for their team, rather than the 95% that went well. And there is of course the widely shared experience of receiving a test or report back from a teacher, covered in the dreaded red pen.
Criticism has a place. It is fair to acknowledge when something has gone wrong and to explore possibilities for making something better. This is part of our individual and collective process of learning and improvement. Criticism can be less useful when the degree of criticism isn’t proportional to the scale of the perceived error, and when the ‘perpetrator’ of an error is already fully aware of it. Criticism also becomes less useful when it dominates our perspective, and there is no room for more positive perspectives to come into play.
As well as being widespread in our world, criticism is something that we generously apply to ourselves! How many times have you heard yourself say things like:
- I should’ve known to do it that way instead!
- I didn’t do that well enough
- Or self-judgments like I’m so silly, I can’t do it, I’ll never be good enough for this
And how often do you focus on what went ‘wrong’ in a situation, rather than acknowledging the things that went well?
What Are Some of the Impacts of Self-Criticism?
Morris and co-authors (2018) illustrate one of the impacts of criticism by talking about two different classrooms:
- In classroom 1, if a student is struggling or makes a mistake, the teacher responds with warmth and offers support.
- In classroom 2, if a student is struggling or makes a mistake, the teacher responds with only criticism and judgment.
Which classroom would you prefer to be in? Which classroom would you learn more in?
I imagine many – if not all – of us would choose classroom 1. And yet when we are self-critical we run the risk of taking ourselves into classroom 2.
Self-criticism has been shown to reduce a person’s motivation and impede their progress toward their goals, it can make you more prone to procrastinate and ruminate, and it can move the brain into an inhibited state where it’s less able to function and problem-solve.
In other words, self-criticism prevents us from being able to think clearly about our challenges, make decisions, and take action to achieve our goals!
Given that coaching is focused on supporting someone to make progress towards a goal, as a coach if we become aware that our client is being overly self-critical or self-judgemental, it’s worthwhile to help the client explore and transform that perspective.
As a coach, some of the ways I have heard a client demonstrating self-criticism are:
- Showing a pattern where they say a positive thing about themselves immediately undermine or devalue it;
- Only saying self-critical things, without ever acknowledging their capabilities, knowledge, and value;
- Judging themselves repeatedly; and
- They seem unable to get ‘unstuck’ in a situation and criticize themselves for not having the answer.
One way to support our clients is to flip their self-criticism to generosity.
Generosity
Def: “a willingness to give help or support, esp. more than is usual or expected” (https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/generosity)
Being generous can look like many things, whether it be giving money or physical things, giving time, giving encouragement, sharing knowledge, and more.
Being generous makes us feel happier, and that feeling of happiness is linked to our brain’s reward system so we get a sense of satisfaction from it too. Generosity has been shown to reduce activity in the part of the brain responsible for emotional processes (the amygdala), and as a result, makes us feel less anxiety and stress. And if that’s not enough, it activates an area of the brain linked to decision-making, so being generous could help us come to better decisions.
Usually, when we think about generosity, we think about being generous to other people. But we can also extend generosity to ourselves as an act of nurture and kindness. In this context, generosity allows us to be more sensitive to ourselves and to value ourselves.
We can use self-generosity to help flip a client from a self-critical perspective, by inviting the client to consider:
What’s the most generous assessment you could make of yourself [in this situation]/[right now]/[in what you bring to the table]/[etc.]?
Other questions that can help encourage a client to explore a self-generous mindset include things like:
- How do you know that’s true? [after a client has said something very self-critical]
- If your best friend came to you saying what you just said, what would you say to them?
- What could you say to encourage yourself right now?
- What can you acknowledge that you did well or contributed?
Making the flip to generosity doesn’t ask someone to negate their self-critical thought entirely (which in itself could be a self-critical thing to do!). Instead, it invites them to explore the opposite alternative. In doing this, it can open them to see the spectrum of possible interpretations that lie between a 100% self-critical interpretation, and a 100% generous interpretation. This step back gives them a more objective view of their situation, and an opportunity to learn both about themselves, and their situation.
Releasing someone from the immediate impacts of self-criticism, enables them to access a more resourceful and positive mindset that can enable them to better explore and create progress towards their goal.
References
- Cohut, M (2017) Generosity makes you happier. Medical News Today, 16 July 2017 https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/318406#The-decision-to-give-makes-us-happier
- Longe O, Maratos FA, Gilbert P, Evans G, Volker F, Rockliff H, Rippon G (2010) Having a word with yourself: neural correlates of self-criticism and self-reassurance. Neuroimage 49(2):1849-56. doi: 10.1016/j.neuroimage.2009.09.019
- Morris L, Mansell W, Amos R, Edge D (2018) Experiences of a transdiagnostic group, the Take Control Course, for clients with common mental health problems: A qualitative study. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy 25(5):730-744. doi: 10.1002/cpp.2303
- Naragon-Gainey K, Watson D (2012) in Encyclopedia of Human Behavior (Second Edition), Self-Criticism
- Powers TA, Koestner R, Lacaille N, Kwan L, Zuroff DC (2009) Self-criticism, motivation, and goal progress of athletes and musicians: A prospective study. Personality and Individual Differences
- 47(4): 279-283, ISSN 0191-8869, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2009.03.012
- Powers TA, Koestner R, Zuroff DC (2007) Self-criticism, goal motivation, and goal progress. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology 26(7):826-840
- Sandoiu A (2018) How does generosity benefit health? Brain study sheds light. Medical News Today, 31 August 2018. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/322940