A Coaching Power Tool By Lisa Dorries, ADHD Coach, UNITED STATES
Self-Criticism vs. Self-Compassion Strategies
My coaching power tool addresses self-criticism and introduces self-compassion to improve self-esteem and feel more optimistic about the future. While self-evaluation is vital for personal growth, I believe that harsh self-criticism without self-compassion can be detrimental. This tool aims to support clients by developing strategies to change their perspective from one of self-criticism, self-blame, and shame to one of self-compassion.
What Is the Difference Between Self-Criticism vs. Self-Compassion?
Let us start by looking at the definition of self-criticism provided by the American Psychological Association (APA) Dictionary of Psychology:
Self-Criticism:
The evaluation of one’s behavior and attributes, with recognition of one’s weaknesses, errors, and shortcomings. Although self-criticism can have a positive effect in fostering personal growth, a tendency toward harsh self-criticism is thought by some to be a risk factor for depression.”
Self-criticism is focusing on our perceived flaws. Physical appearance, behavior, inner thoughts and emotions, personality, or intellectual attributes are common culprits. We also believe that this habit is helpful. “We compare ourselves with others. We want to take responsibility for our actions and try to improve ourselves. We think that self-criticizing will help undo whatever awful thing we have done. We worry that if we don’t criticize ourselves, we will become someone we don’t want to be or fail to live up to our and other people’s standards.”
We can get carried away and blame ourselves far more than our share. If we stay in this pulled state of mind, the impact of self-criticism is that we become depressed, making it even harder to see the glass as half full. Research shows that self-criticism leads to procrastination and causes feelings of worthlessness and incompetence. We may also give up on future attempts to fix the problem. When we consider that close to 800,000 people die by suicide globally every year, I must wonder if extreme self-criticism is a significant culprit. (World Health Organization, Suicide in the world, Global Health Estimates)
What if we could recognize that weakness and imperfection are part of every human being and that others are just as flawed and vulnerable as we are? This acknowledgment is the start of developing self-compassion. Let us look at two quotes that provide a useful description of self-compassion:
Self-compassion involves wanting health and well-being for oneself and leads to proactive behavior to better one’s situation, rather than passivity. And self-compassion does not mean that I think my problems are more important than yours; it just means I believe that my issues are also important and worthy of being attended to.- Kristin Neff, Ph.D.
When you begin to touch your heart or let your heart feel you start to discover that it is bottomless, that it does not have any resolution, that this heart is vast and limitless. You begin to find out how much warmth and gentleness is there, as well as how much space. – PEMA CHODRON, Start Where You Are
Self-Criticism vs. Self-Compassion Personal Example
I would like to use myself as an example for this paper. As a woman who had undiagnosed ADHD for much of her life, I had no explanation for my struggles and felt that everything must have been my fault. I developed a very self-critical attitude, which continued for most of my life. Over the past 50 years, it is easy to understand how a person with ADHD might have a perspective of self-criticism vs. self-compassion.
Labeling people can start exceedingly early in life. You are lazy; Quit being a space cadet, or Stop lagging, are familiar comments made by teachers or parents to kids with ADHD. While these adults may not have been aware of the challenges associated with ADHD or the negative impact of their critical discipline, the result was harmful. Kids tend to internalize critical remarks, especially if they hear more negative than positive ones, which is often the case.
Later in life, criticism can continue in personal and professional relationships. As an example, forgetfulness is a core symptom of ADHD. If the person with ADHD forgets to keep a promise, the other person can feel uncared for, even if the root cause is ADHD, and most other promises were kept. The resulting guilt over failing to keep the promise, along with the negative feedback, can lead to very self-critical thoughts.
Going back to myself, I was fortunate to be able to survive and even thrive despite these self-critical thoughts. I had a successful nursing career for many years, but at 53 years old, I reached a breaking point. I could not keep up with the job anymore, I was down on myself, and my mother was nearing the end of her life. I made the difficult decision to leave my job to take care of my mother, which started the process of listening to myself and being more self-compassionate.
I decided it was time I stopped the internal blaming, shaming, and self-criticism, and since I suspected I may have ADHD, I sought help and got a formal diagnosis. I learned everything I could about this diagnosis. I researched local and online learning communities, and these resources taught me that all my feelings, thoughts, and behaviors were familiar with ADHD and that free support was available. Having a greater understanding, I learned to stop criticizing myself for past mistakes and to accept why I made the decisions I did. This experience taught me how significant self-criticism can be in keeping people stuck and how self-compassion can lead to positive life changes. Had I focused on criticizing myself for giving up a lucrative career, I would not have been able to change.
After my mother’s passing in 2018, I decided that I wanted to pursue a new career. I was unsure of myself and did not know what direction I could even take in life. I knew that leaving a high-paying job, going back to school, and starting over at the novice level would be a challenge. However, I had compassion for how hard my nursing career had become and followed my heart to discover that I wanted to become a coach.
While my example relates to having ADHD, I believe the experience applies to others as well. For example, it is common to respond with self-criticism if a lousy assessment of schoolwork is received, a relationship fails, or a job is lost. It is common to take it on internally as a personal failure rather than having a more compassionate viewpoint.
Coaching: Self-Compassion vs. Self-Criticism
Clients choose to pursue coaching for a variety of reasons, often related to a specific challenge or goal. I think it is rare for a client to identify self-criticism as the primary reason for coaching. However, through the coaching process, we strive to uncover whatever is standing in the way of moving forward in life, and I believe that harsh self-criticism is a common roadblock. My coaching power tool encourages coaches to keep an eye out for self-criticism and then guides them in shifting their clients from self-criticism to self-compassion, to offer a more productive means toward change.
This process starts by having the coach listen for and point out self-critical language to the client. Disparaging language can indicate negative beliefs about oneself, such as feeling stupid, slow, or incompetent. It is essential for the client to gain awareness of this critical tendency and to examine its effects. Some useful questions at this point include:
- Did you hear how you just described yourself? (Asked after a critical comment.)
- Would you use that critical language with close friends? If not, what would you say to them?
- How does that language impact you?
- How do you think others would have handled that situation? (Explore the likely assumption that others would have handled it better and why they believe this.)
My coaching tool helps the client get in touch with the pain of being self-critical and helps them move towards self-comfort. Here are some suggestions that I incorporate into my coaching:
- Allow yourself to be emotionally moved by your pain, telling yourself, “This is difficult right now. What can I do to care for and comfort myself at this moment?”
- Ask yourself, “What could I say to comfort myself at this moment?” (Aiming for kindness towards oneself.)
- When you find yourself being self-critical, begin to understand that this suffering is in your own hands, and plan to stop.
- It is corny but try giving yourself hugs several times a day for at least a week. If others are around, you can inconspicuously fold your arms and gently squeeze yourself in a comforting manner. You can also simply visualize hugging yourself if you cannot make the actual physical gesture.
I support the work of Marshall Rosenberg, the author of Nonviolent Communication, who highlights the importance of using sympathetic instead of judgmental language when we talk to ourselves. He emphasizes that we should reframe our self-talk to include more empathy, allowing us to be at more peace with ourselves. Rosenberg suggests asking four simple questions, as follows:
- What are you observing? (What are you noticing about your self-talk? Do you hear anything critical or judgmental?)
- What are you feeling? (Think about what is going on in the moment, such as feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, tired, or needing a break.)
- What do you need right now? (Is there something you can do to feel a little better now?)
- Do you have a request for yourself, or someone else, to help meet your needs? (Can you ask for help or plan something to meet your needs better?)
His main point is that you notice and validate your needs now and have a greater sense of empathy towards yourself. By going through these four questions as part of the coaching process, you help move away from self-criticism towards self-compassion.
Another area to consider with our clients is how they can restore some harmony in their lives. Once they shift to a more compassionate mindset, they can focus on the goals that are most important to them. Questions to ask in this realm include:
- What action will you take this week to clean up the relationship you have with yourself?
- What boundaries do you need to set for yourself to meet your goals?
- Are there any boundaries you need to set with others to support yourself?
- What actions can you take to remain self-compassionate?
As part of my coaching tools, I like to bring in the work of others. Some useful examples include:
Byron Katie:
Byron Katie, the author of www.thework.com, has an exercise called “The Four Questions.” It begins with isolating one thought, a statement for inquiry, and then applying four questions: Q1. Is it true? Q2. Can you know that it is true? Q3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? Q4. Who would you be without that thought?
This ‘Work’ is a meditation practice. It is like diving into yourself. The idea is to contemplate the questions, one at a time — to drop into the depths of yourself, listen, and still trust that the answer will meet your questions.
I believe that self-criticism contains blaming yourself, someone else, or a situation, and connects to an underlying belief that no longer serves the client. When the client asks themselves these four questions, there is an opening to reframe their perspective, get unstuck, find self-compassion in their story, and move forward toward their goal.
Brene Brown:
Dr. Brene Brown talks about how she was “staying small, right under the radar,” but that she has learned that vulnerability is not weakness. She defines vulnerability as “emotional risk, exposure, and uncertainty,” and further explains that it can power our daily lives. She states that “vulnerability is the most accurate measurement of courage.” She recommends that we “see, be seen, and be honest with ourselves.” I believe that the most important relationship we will ever have in our life is the relationship we have with ourselves, which is why being vulnerable and having self-compassion are both essential.
In one of her TED talks, Dr. Brown quotes Theodore Roosevelt, who was an American statesman, politician, conservationist, naturalist, and writer who served as the 26th president of the United States from 1901-1909. I include it here because I can see how reflecting upon it before a coaching session will remind me of my power tool, Self-Criticism vs. Self-Compassion.
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.― Theodore Roosevelt
Kristin Neff:
Dr. Kristin Neff explains the differences between self-compassion and self-esteem. A coach and a client may benefit by asking themselves, “How do we get off this treadmill of judging ourselves?” Neff explains that self-esteem is when we only feel good about ourselves when we succeed in all the areas of life that are important to us. But what happens when we fail and do not meet our own, other people’s, or other entities’ perspectives? These expectations are ‘written in the stories we tell ourselves’ and must be examined.
As coaches, we can learn to listen for the language identifying the pitfalls of self-esteem, pause, and make a mental note of who this client is, or, as coach Lorna Poole has said, “put it in their bowl.” As coaches, we can also learn to listen to the language of self-compassion. Again, we can pause, notice progress, reflect, and use the client’s own words to acknowledge them. Depending upon the relationship with the client, a coach may additionally ask, “What will you do to celebrate?” as another coach, Rossella Pin, has recommended. (Resource: The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion: Kirstin Neff at TEDxCentennialParkWomen February 6, 2013)
Victoria Castle: The author of a book titled The Trance of Scarcity that has a useful exercise titled, “Upgrading Your Story.” This exercise helps clients identify a repetitive negative ‘story,’ and in this case, a self-critical story. The second part of the exercise involves coming up with a new story that is more self-compassionate and looks at actions to support the upgraded story. (Resource: The Trance of Scarcity: Stop Holding Your Breath and Start Living Your Life by Victoria, pages 47-49, Upgrading Your Story practice exercise.)
Self-Criticism vs. Self-Compassion During the Coaching Process
Most people have some regrets or past life experiences that they are ashamed of having. It can be healthy to hold certain standards and to aim to live up to them. However, many people develop an overly critical attitude about themselves and do not realize how these beliefs undermine their efforts. This coaching tool incorporates empathy and compassion into the coaching process and helps clients approach their goals with a gentler, more uplifting mindset.
When clients acknowledge this shift from self-criticism to self-compassion, they not only reap immediate benefits, but they also improve their future by learning to catch this tendency, reset, and turn things around.
References
What Is Self-Criticism? By Explorable Think Outside the Box At
Self-Compassion September: Meet Suffering With Kindness
Goodreads – Theodore Roosevelt>Quotes>Quotable Quote
Wikipedia, the Free Encyclopedia, Talk, Theodore Roosevelt
World Health Organization-Suicide-Key Facts September 2, 2019
Psychology Today-Are You Self-Critical? Exploring the Nature, Origins, Consequences, and Antidotes of Self-Criticism May 29, 2019, Allison Kelly PH.D., C. Psych All About Attitude