A Coaching Power Tool By Gigi Tsontos, Social Work Leaders Coach, UNITED STATES
The Control vs. Lead Power Tool
Control versus lead is a power tool based on the concept that individuals both within themselves and within their roles must consciously decide to control or lead. Some naturally gravitate to control situations, people, and themselves. Others find it easier to help others move forward. While others still struggle to find a balance.
In considering the concepts, I reflected on myself as a coach and as a client. As a coach, I saw the experience of clients trying to control their outcomes with micro-management of themselves or others. While others were focused on how to lead within themselves and others. These came to light more after one client experience, in which the coach was leading me to find the goal they had in mind.
As I considered these positions from both angles, I understood that control and leading impact the outcome of coaching sessions and more importantly the learning that can take place in the session and beyond. This tool reflects on both the internal control and leading and the external and can be used in both scenarios.
Also, in the field of social work (which is my primary field of work), control is generally seen as a negative while leading is a positive. The perspectives are noted to counter one another in supporting others.
Control vs. Lead Perspectives Overview
Defining Control
According to the Oxford English Dictionary control is “the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events”. At the same time, Merriam-Webster says “to exercise restraining or directing influence over or to have power over.”
Generally, we attribute control to an external power a perspective of needing to secure space, others, outcomes, etc. A fear of what might happen if we don’t hold the strings, what could go wrong? The same goes for control of self in action. Sometimes controlling ourselves can be healthy. We control our habits to not overeat, drink, or harm. While other times, the need to control all outcomes becomes obsessive.
Control in Perspective
Generally, in the US, the word control in leadership or administration is noted as a negative. The capacity of someone who is seen to control their teams or micro-manage is seen to be in deficit. An executive, manager, or supervisor who has difficulty losing power in situations is generally regarded as unable to lead. Control of self on the other hand may be seen as a strength.
Defining Lead
Lead is defined as “to guide on a way, especially by going in advance” by Merriam-Webster. Oxford English Dictionary defines lead as “to go with or in front of a person or an animal to show the way or to make them go in the right direction synonym guide.”
Leading typically focuses on how we help others to reach a collective goal, learn, or support a venture. At the same time, the internal focus of leading oneself reflects how we pursue our internal challenges and overcome challenges.
Leading in Perspective
To lead is to inspire. Leading allows others to create their own potential, to be innovative, to take risks, and to support enhancements. The African proverb “If you want to go fast go alone, if you want to go far go together” depicts the leading perspective well. It shows the need for collaboration and creating paths together, but you can also lead yourself within this. Using a coach to partner with questions that help you go deeper, learn more, engage in change, and create change.
Flipping from Control to Lead
Control tends to be fear-based. Leading takes the fear and places it into a collaborative connection.
Case Study A: Myself in the Client Role
The session started with an ambiguous goal. As the client, I needed support to dig deeper. The topic: I was in a new role and struggling with dealing with colleagues who struggled to communicate effectively with each other. I wasn’t sure what a success would be but I was focusing on my feelings about the situation. The Coach focused on how I could control the situation. The coach shared three options to respond and after three times of the coach focusing on this, I felt unheard. In looking at this, I saw the coach as controlling the process. I, however, wanted her to lead me through questions through the feelings.
I left the session feeling I was not supported.
Learnings: As I saw this play out, I realized this was a potential Control vs. lead flip for coaching supervision or social work coaching. When we as the coach insert ourselves we control, when we open to the client we lead.
Case Study B: Client Control vs. Lead
The client presented a concern that she was not engaging in her community enough. Post-COVID she had become used to spending weeks at a time in her home without leaving. Her interactions were via Zoom, email, or phone. She was controlling her environment out of fear. She was creatively finding ways to remain in her home to the point of having 6 garbage bags to take outside. She presented the fear of trying in a community she was unfamiliar with. The underlying fear of not being accepted. As she opened up about the control, she connected to leading herself. Taking the first step to move forward. She flipped to empowerment and inspiration from her community.
Control vs. Lead Power Tool
Identify Control vs. Power Mind Map
Step A Brainstorming
- Start with a blank sheet of paper or a Word document. Set a time for 10 minutes and write everything that is bothering you about your situation. Feelings both positive and negative, actions, and thoughts. Keep writing until the timer goes off.
- Take a break.
- Review the list.
- What are the key takeaways?
Step B Mind Map
- On another sheet of paper, write your key takeaways.
- Create a mind map of how these can support you in moving forward.
Step C Ask yourself where you can go from here.
Case Study Reviews
Case A: Myself
After the session, I used the tool to ask myself “What is bothering me about the session?” Control was the keyword that came from my brainstorming. This being a key takeaway I made a mind map of how I could learn from this feeling of being controlled move my own practice and overcome any tendencies I had to control vs. lead in coaching and in the work scenario.
Case B:
The client agreed to do this as homework for her next session. She reported that really asking herself about how she was controlling her environment led her to the aware of what was in the way. She used her mind map to create a plan to support her in leading herself to new behaviors.
Mind Map as a Tool
This is a work in progress, I felt I learned a great deal from the process and in my focus as a coach for social work professionals. A mind map is a tool that can be used to open ideas and create space. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, we focus on changing attitudes to change behaviors. This process is an initial step to create a path forward in coaching.
References
Meriam Webster Dictionary https://www.merriam-ebster.com/dictionary/control#h1
Oxford English Dictionary https://www.oed.com/
You Can Control, And You Can Lead, But You Can't Do Both, Forbes, David Richards, July 25, 2018
Mind Mapping, Simple Minds https://simplemind.eu/how-to-mind-map/basics/
Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Mayo Clinic, https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/cognitive-behavioral-therapy/about/pac-20384610