Power Tool: Want vs. Expect

1. What are you finding motivating about your goal?  What are you finding frustrating?
2. How does this path support/not support you?
3. On a scale of 1-10, how likely do you think you will reach this goal?
4. What can you learn from others who have achieved this goal?
5. What has/hasn’t worked?

Using “want” as a form of procrastination.  A person may have some underlying beliefs or fears that are leading to procrastination or avoidance of action.

How to recognize: A person sticks with their goals and wants and has come up with an action plan to achieve them. However, they repeatedly procrastinate or create a distraction to avoid taking the actions.

Example: Client gets a job as a sales person who works on commission, wants to earn a good income. Client knows what they need to do to achieve many sales, but has excuses for not doing them.

 Creating a shift to empowerment: Clients may have underlying beliefs, fears or anxiety associated with the steps they feel they should take. Exploring through questioning and listening a client may grow in a way that they can switch from want into expecting themselves to take the actions they have committed themselves to.

Supportive Questions:

1. What could a person who had no fear or anxiety do to reach a similar goal?
2. If your best friend was facing the same challenge as you, what advise would you give them?
3. Visualize a brick wall between you and your goal.  What thoughts and emotions is the wall made up of .
4. What action can you take that is a challenge to you, but you still believe you can do it?
5. What do you need in order to be able to commit to this action?

Moving from “Want” to “Expect”

As mentioned previously, want is a great place to start.  It is inspiring and motivating.  It is the spark that starts the journey into discovery about what exactly one is wanting to achieve.  At some point, however, want needs to move into the commitment phase of expecting themselves to follow through with the plan they have created.  Expect also has two sides, one constructive and one that creates blocks. 

The Constructive Side of Expect

When we change our language from, “I want to do something.” to, “I expect myself to do something,” the commitment level really increases. If a client is uncomfortable with this change in language, it may reveal some blocks in their commitment. The same is true when we consider who we want to be in a situation. When we change the language from, “I want to be (loving, courageous, joyful, etc.)” to, ” I expect myself to be (loving, courageous, joyful, etc.)” The entire dynamic changes. Expect allows us to be more and believe in a larger vision, which is a wonderful act of self-care and love.

Supportive Questions:

1. How does it feel when you reframe the action into “I expect myself to…”
2. On a scale of 1 – 10, how committed are you to this action?
3. What obstacles might possibly keep you from this commitment?
4. What would you be willing to give up in order to keep this commitment?

When “Expect” becomes a block

When one expects something external.  In this way, one can get into a place of blame as we can only control ourselves. Expecting external people or situations to be a certain way in order to be happy or achieve our goals, we are handing over our power.

How to recognize: Hearing blame and excuses involving external factors.

Example: Client is unhappy at work and considers coworkers the cause of unhappiness

Creating shift to Empowerment: If this is occurring, it may be helpful to explore with a client the areas in which they have control as well as the impact this type of expectation may be having on their happiness or goals.

Supportive Questions:

1. What do you need to let go of in order to embrace your power in this situation?
2. How does this person or situation drain you?
3. What is your role in reaching your goal?
4. You said you feel *, what about this person/situation makes you feel that way?
5. What would be the one thing you could do to most empower yourself in this situation?

When Expectation creates inflexibility.  Everyone has high hopes regarding the outcomes of their actions. Nonetheless, outcomes don’t always turn out the way we expect. Sometimes things turn out better than planned, and other times not as well as planned. There are also times we have a strong commitment to an agenda, then an unexpected life event occurs that interrupt our commitment. These can be frustrating and upsetting and bring us to a stop in wanting to move forward.

How to recognize: If a client has a recent event that didn’t turn out as expected, and they are feeling stuck in their disappointment or frustration. They may even be feeling a lessening in their belief that they can reach their goal.

Example: Client is wanting to expand their circle of friends. They Attend a couple of social events without meeting anyone they connect with.

Creating shift to empowerment: It’s always important after an action to have an assessment that looks at what worked and what didn’t work. This way of looking at the situation can help a client step back emotionally in order to refine future actions. Client may also want to explore the underlying beliefs around their feelings and look to create some supportive reframing on the matter. Switching to a spirit of curiosity may be a great way calm some of the disappointment as it changes the action to something more of a fact-finding mission instead of focusing on an expected outcome.

Supportive Questions:  

1. How would it feel if you phrase your action steps as “I wonder what will happen if I….”
2. What did you learn from that?
3. Where are the opportunities for growth in this situation?
4. What would it mean to stop moving toward your goal?
5. What resources might be supportive in planning your next action?

Relection:

1. Are there any areas in your life when you know you want something.  Can you name the next action step to getting it?
2. Think of a goal you have.  On a scale of 1-10 how likely do you feel you are going to reach your goal.
3. Finish this sentence regarding a goal.  “ I want…..”  Now rephrase the sentence to “ I expect myself to….”  How does this feel?
4. How are the external factors in your life supporting or not supporting your “I wants”
5. Which of your action plans do you think could be more fun by adding the element of curiosity?
6. How might you be able to increase your motivation with want?
7. Where might expect be used in your life to create greater commitment?