Care vs. Control

A Coaching Power Tool By Darshini Santhanam, Personal Coach, UNITED KINGDOM

Introduction to the Care vs. Control Power Tool

Sometimes control can look like care. As human beings, we want to care for each other but sometimes how we show that or experience it may come through as confused with control.^[1] At the outset, it can be challenging to distinguish between someone who genuinely cares and someone who is seeking to exert control over a situation, particularly if you are not intimately familiar with the person or the specific circumstances involved. However, through the process of coaching, a coach may artfully create awareness in a client towards their true intentions and how their actions may show up in a situation.

Differences Between Care vs. Control

There are a few signs that a coach may look for that may help you differentiate between the two:

1. Motivation: Consider the person’s motivation for their actions. If someone’s actions are primarily motivated by a desire to help others or achieve a positive outcome, it is more likely that they genuinely care. On the other hand, if someone’s actions are motivated by a desire to control others or the situation, it is more likely that they are seeking to exert power rather than genuinely caring.
2. Tone: Listen to the person’s tone and language when they speak about the situation or the people involved. Someone who genuinely cares is more likely to use empathetic language and express concern for others’ well-being. In contrast, someone who is seeking to control may use more directive language and express frustration or annoyance when things don’t go their way.
3. Actions: Consider the person’s actions in the situation. Someone who cares deeply is more likely to take actions that are in the best interest of others, even if it means sacrificing their own wants or needs. In contrast, someone who is seeking to control may take actions that benefit themselves at the expense of others or the situation as a whole.
4. Consistency: Consider the person’s behavior over time. If someone consistently demonstrates care and concern for others and their well-being, it is more likely that they genuinely care. In contrast, if someone’s behavior is inconsistent or erratic, it may be a sign that they are more focused on exerting control than genuinely caring.

Find It: What Questions Might a Coach Ask to Dig Deep Into Care vs. Control?

If a coach suspects that a client may be struggling with control issues or may have a tendency to be controlling in their interactions with others, they may ask some of the following questions to explore the client’s underlying motivations and values:

1. Can you describe the situation or relationship that you are currently trying to control?
2. How important is it to you that things go a certain way in this situation?
3. What do you fear might happen if you are not in control of the situation?
4. How do you feel when things don’t go according to plan or when others don’t comply with your wishes?
5. What values are most important to you in this situation?
6. How do you show that you care for the other person or people involved in this situation?
7. Can you think of any times when your desire for control has caused problems in your relationships or interactions with others?
8. What might be some alternative ways to approach this situation that would allow you to achieve your goals while also respecting the needs and wishes of others?

These questions can help the coach and client explore the client’s underlying motivations and values, and identify any problematic patterns of behavior that may be related to controlling tendencies. By examining these patterns and exploring alternative approaches, the client may be able to develop more effective strategies for achieving their goals while also maintaining positive relationships with others.

Feel It Part 1: What Feelings Might Come Up for the Client?

When a client is trying to control a situation, a variety of feelings might come up for them depending on the specific circumstances and their personality traits. Here are some common feelings^[2] that someone who is trying to control a situation might experience:

1. Anxiety: They may feel anxious about the outcome of the situation and whether or not it will meet their expectations.
2. Frustration: They may feel frustrated when things don’t go according to plan or when others don’t comply with their wishes.
3. Anger: They may feel angry when others resist their attempts to control the situation or when they feel powerless to influence the outcome.
4. Fear: They may feel fearful about losing control or being unable to manage the situation effectively.
5. Insecurity: They may feel insecure about their ability to handle the situation or the outcome if they are not in control.
6. Overwhelm: They may feel overwhelmed by the complexity of the situation or the number of factors that are beyond their control.
7. Resentment: They may feel resentful when others are able to influence the situation in ways that they cannot.

It’s important to note that these feelings are not necessarily negative or harmful in and of themselves, but they may become problematic if they lead to controlling or manipulative behavior that harms others or the situation as a whole.

Feel It Part 2: What Values Might Come Up?

When a client is trying to control a situation, they may be motivated by certain values that they prioritize. Here are some common values^[3] that may come up for someone who is trying to exert control:

1. Power: They may value having a sense of power or influence over the situation or others involved.
2. Security: They may value feeling secure or certain about the outcome of the situation and seek to control it to avoid uncertainty or potential negative consequences.
3. Perfectionism: They may value perfection or having things go exactly as planned, and seek to control the situation to achieve this outcome.
4. Autonomy: They may value autonomy or independence and seek to control the situation to maintain their sense of control over their own choices and decisions.
5. Achievement: They may value achievement or success and seek to control the situation to ensure that the outcome meets their goals or expectations.
6. Recognition: They may value recognition or approval from others and seek to control the situation to ensure that they are seen as competent or capable.
7. Avoidance of Pain: They may value avoiding pain or discomfort and seek to control the situation to prevent negative experiences or outcomes.

Similar to feelings, it’s important to note that these values are not inherently negative or harmful, but they may become problematic if they lead to controlling or manipulative behavior that harms others or the situation as a whole.

Frame It: How Might a Client Define This?

Control (Verb): The power or ability to direct, regulate, or manipulate something or someone.

Control: In the context of relationships or interactions with others, “control” typically refers to a desire to manipulate or influence the behavior or outcomes of others. It may involve using power or authority to make decisions on behalf of others, limiting their autonomy or freedom, or seeking to gain an advantage or benefit at their expense.

Flip It: What Would It Look Like if a Client Were to Flip From Control to Care?

Care (Verb): A state of concern, responsibility, or interest in the well-being of something or someone.

Care: In the context of relationships or interactions with others, “care” typically refers to a genuine concern for someone’s well-being or best interests. It may involve showing empathy, compassion, and support for others, as well as taking actions that help them achieve their goals and overcome challenges.

Care vs. Control: The Key Coaching Conclusion

If a client may be struggling with control issues but wants to move towards a more caring approach, there are several potential conclusions that a coach could draw:

1. The client is self-aware and open to change: If the client is aware of their controlling tendencies and expresses a desire to shift towards a more caring approach, this suggests that they are motivated to change and open to exploring new strategies.
2. The client values positive relationships: If the client is seeking to move away from control and towards a more caring approach, this suggests that they may value positive relationships with others and want to ensure that their actions are respectful and supportive.
3. The client may need support in developing new skills: Moving from a controlling approach to a caring one may require the development of new skills, such as active listening, empathy, or conflict resolution. As a coach, you can support the client in developing these skills and applying them in their interactions with others.
4. The client may need to address underlying fears or insecurities: Control can sometimes be a coping mechanism for underlying fears or insecurities. As a coach, you may need to explore any underlying issues that may be contributing to the client’s controlling behavior and help them develop strategies to address these issues in a healthy way.

Overall, the key conclusion to draw as a coach is that the client is motivated to change and is open to exploring new approaches. By supporting the client in this process, you can help them develop the skills, insights, and strategies they need to move towards a more caring and positive approach to their interactions with others.

References

[1] Brown, B. (2013). The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connection, and Courage. Sounds True, Inc.
[2] Purkiss, J. (2019). The Power of Letting Go: How to Drop Everything That's Holding You Back. Vermilion.
[3] Zander, R. S., & Zander, B. (2000). The Art of Possibility: Transforming Professional and Personal Life. Penguin Books.