Here are some exercises to help move from judgment to compassion:
- Pay attention and record every judgment that you have in a journal or small pad
- Without judging yourself, try to identify what prompted the judgment
- Ask yourself, what were you feeling when you had this judgment
- What could you be trying to avoid by making this judgment?
- Is this judgment true when directed at you?
- Lovingly accept whatever you discover and embrace this new information
- Replay the scenario, this time, replacing the judgment with a compassionate thought
Other compassion promoting activities include:
- Write yourself a letter of support
- List your best and worst traits, reminding yourself that no one is perfect
- Meditation
- Repeat positive affirmations like, “Today, I’m going to be good to myself and others.”
- Recognize the commonalities between yourself and other people. Try this five-step exercise when you meet a friend or stranger.
With attention on the other person, tell yourself:
Imagine how someone might be suffering and practice doing something small to end their suffering (e.g., a smile, a kind word, an errand)
Take a few minutes before bed to reflect upon the day’s interactions, the people you met, and how you treated each other. If you set an intention for the day, how well did you do?
Coaching Application
Many coaches would agree that it is impossible to create a trusting and safe space for our clients when judgment is present. As coaches, we must be careful not to let our personal beliefs create judgments. Even when using tools, we must refrain from using labels and drawing conclusions about our clients. As previously mentioned, non-verbal cues can be sent that communicate judgment, so releasing judgmental thoughts and feelings is crucial. It is also very difficult to be present while being judgmental. Instead of actively listening, the coach will be thinking of how they agree or disagree with what is being said, instead of really listening to what is being said. This can lead to putting the coach’s needs before the needs of the client.
However, judgment can lead to better understanding of underlying beliefs and attitudes that are not serving the coach. Coaches can use feelings of judgment to become more aware of their own needs and how to fulfill them. As a result, the coach grows personally and professionally and compassion can replace judgment. Lovingly accepting our clients as they are, as well as ourselves as coaches, is the greatest expression of compassion. While being compassionate involves helping a client to relieve emotional suffering, it is very important not to join the client in their suffering or try to change their emotions, which can send a message of rejection. Instead, provide your presence and unconditional acceptance and observe how that can lead to powerful transformation.
A specific action that will help you to be more accepting is to find and dissolve your core beliefs about how people should be. Ask yourself what ideas are in your mind about how the world should be and when should it be that way? These ideas or standards become the basis for judgment and emotional reactions. The second step is to become of aware of the emotions that these beliefs create. Finally, when feelings of judgment arise, show yourself and your client compassion by lovingly accepting them.
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. Dalai Lama
References
Paul, Margaret, Ph.D. (2006. December 31). Self-Judgment Versus Self-Compassion. (Online), http://www.innerbonding.com/showarticle/851/self-judgment-versus-self-compassion.html
Stone, Hal, Ph.D and Stone, Sidra, Ph.D. (2000. April). Judgment and What To Do With It. (Online), www.jbactors.com/actingreading/judgment.html
Brookshire, Brian. (2012. January 17). Judgment: Stop It From Sentencing Your Relationships. (Online),
Babauta, Leo. (2007. June 4). A Guide to Cultivating Compassion in Your Life, With 7 Practices. (Online), http://zenhabits.net/a-guide-to-cultivating-compassion-in-your-life-with-7-practices/
Parker-Pope, Tara. (2011. February 28). Go Easy on Yourself, a New Wave of Research Urges. (Online), -yourself-a-new-wave-of-research-urges/
Van Warmerdam, Gary. (n.d.). (Online), http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/writings_compassion.htm