A Coaching Power Tool By Hilary Taggart, Transformational Coach, UNITED KINGDOM
Approach Differently vs. Avoid Again Power Tool
My power tool focuses on the understanding of avoidance and how and where it impacts our lives. I also define the approach and discuss its benefits, explain what we can do differently and resources to use to support this shift.
It aims to help clients who:
- can’t seem to get the results they want
- want to understand why they can’t change
- are looking to take more action
Approach Differently vs. Avoid Again Definitions
Avoid
- to stay away from someone or something (dictionary.cambridge.org)
- “a maladaptive behavioural response to excessive fear and anxiety” [i]
Avoidance is a natural defence mechanism.
Our brain has learnt that “avoidance is how we have to deal with difficult situations in order to feel better”[ii].
In the short term, this works well for us.
Over the long term though, we know that what we avoid, doesn’t really disappear, but sits like a shadow beside us, causing suffering – “avoidance in facing our emotional experience can negatively impact our mental health and behaviours”[iii].
Approach
- to deal with something (dictionary.cambridge.org)
- to make advances, especially in order to create the desired result (Merriam-webster.com)
Approach opposes avoidance. It is motivation away from that stuck feeling, by moving towards something we do want.
To me, it has an accessible and doable feeling to it, which supports creating and sustaining new ideas and actions.
Approach-Avoidance as a Concept
The coupling of approach and avoidance has been documented in psychology and in spiritual teachings.
Psychologist Kurt Lewin is well known for his theory on Approach-Avoidance, which he described as a conflict, where there are “two competing forces of positive and negative valance that act upon an individual in parallel”[iv].
Psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi believed that our emotions are responsible for “mobilizing the entire organism (us) in an approach or an avoidance mode”[v], (emotions)“help us choose what should be good for us” and “they are positive and attractive, or they are negative and repulsive”[vi].
In the ancient text ‘The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali’ Patanjali states that likes (raga) and dislikes (dvesha) are “two of five psychological afflictions that affect every person”[vii], and that dvesha “stems from (experiences) of pain”[viii].
Our attachment to likes and dislikes compares to“wearing either dark or rose-tinted glasses”[ix] where both negatively influence our perception of the world, blocking our progress towards inner peace.
How Avoidance Shows Up in Life
Everyone avoids it, and its effects reach far and wide.
We avoid our thoughts, feelings and situations, which impacts our beliefs and behaviour.
Avoidance allows us to take control in an instant.
Yet it stops us from moving forward, limits our potential and causes missed opportunities, as it turns our focus away from experiencing the wonder of life.
Avoidance is a key symptom of many mental health issues, as our emotional issues don’t get resolved by avoiding them – they stagnate and grow.
Life can, at times, be full of uncomfortable feelings, anxiety and fears. Over time, we can feel helpless and weak, limited, stuck and frustrated by not dealing with them.
My past life knew avoidance very well. I copied it from mum, took it as my own, and lived my life in, what now, looking back, seems like slow motion.
I chose to stand still – in that freeze response, with a stuck feeling and limited thinking. I didn’t realise how much it was impacting me.
What We Do
Avoidance coping is a passive response to stressors, and “any behavioural, cognitive or emotional activity directed away from a threat (eg. denial, withdrawal)” [x].
Its behaviour ranges from numbing feelings, being constantly busy and procrastination, to victim and martyr mentality (ie. feeling helpless, ‘’that’s just the way it is/I am”), depression, addiction issues, and PTSD [xi].
People with nervousness, anxiety and low self-esteem/confidence tend to avoid more. Avoidance involves both negative self-talk and overly positive and escapist thinking.
Approach coping is known to be a healthy way to reduce stress, overall.
It is an active, doing response and is characterised as “any behavioural, cognitive, or emotional activity that is directed toward a threat (eg. problem-solving or seeking information)”[xii].
Approaching keeps us moving forward, in a way that feels ok.
How We Can Help Ourselves
Managing ourselves and how we feel is so important here.
When we feel calm, grounded and steady, we think more clearly and gain more control of our thoughts, emotions and behaviour. This helps and supports us to take action and make changes more comfortably.
Becoming more aware of our thoughts and bodies, clarifying our needs and wants, and focusing on what we can control and improve are some ways to help us better manage ourselves.
This can be through relaxing bodywork (eg. yoga, meditation, tai chi, qigong), journaling, personality assessments, to-do lists, asking for help and a positive mindset.
Finding tools that help us feel okay, and using them in difficult times is a real game changer.
The Birth of My Tool
I have found that clients ask “why?” and want understanding as an outcome a lot.
“Why do I do that? I should know better”
“It’s so simple to do. I don’t understand why I don’t do it.”
Why often takes us back to the past, when we want to go forward?
Our quest to understand can keep us swimming in overwhelm, judgement, analysis and that stuck feeling, and can often lead us further away from clarity and ways to change.
I believe that we use understanding and why, whether we know it or not, to distract us from taking action, which brought me to avoidance, and then to approach.
How can we reframe our thinking out of negative whys, and into positive action?
How can we see what we often miss?
I have chosen to expand ‘Approach vs. Avoid’, to help those clients who tend to ask why, already know they avoid certain things and have tried to get unstuck, but can’t seem to move forward.
Approach Differently vs. Avoid Again Power Tool
Approach Differently
- a reminder to look at your problem from a different perspective
- not wasting time doing the same thing, while expecting different results
- going beyond our usual thinking
- opening our minds and hearts to new ideas and options
- not giving up on ourselves, or our goal
Avoid Again
- repeated inaction
- compounding the problem
- exhausting
- depressing
Coaching Application
I have listed three stages of discussion below, with focussed questions.
- The Enquiry (current behaviour, thinking, feelings)
- What is your usual pattern when it comes to avoiding …..?
- Where/what does this get you?
- What uncomfortable feelings are you avoiding in relation to ….?
- What uncomfortable thoughts are coming up when we discuss avoiding …?
- Asking why is often a way of avoiding action. How do you feel when I say this?
- Knowing that looking for why can keep us feeling stuck, what do you want?
- When have you avoided an issue and regretted it?
- What impact does avoiding have on your …..?
- When have you approached a problem, and weren’t scared?
- The Choice (wants, potential feelings, thinking, actions)
- Do you want to change …..?
- If you could shift your feelings to ….., what would change for you?
- What do you want to do with avoidance?
- How do you want to feel/think about ….?
- The Way (how to step forward, using resources)
- Now that you have uncovered what you want, how can you approach …..?
- What one step could you take, to move you away from feeling stuck?
- Which personal strength can you incorporate into this situation, to help you?
Case Study- Client A, a self-confessed avoidant
Client A was open and spoke honestly(what trust they had in me!).
The coaching session revealed:
- Getting very clear on their cycle of thinking and beliefs, and how that played out, helped them to understand their current process. The first aha!
Q – What is your usual pattern when it comes to avoiding?
A – Ignore, apologise after
Q – What uncomfortable feelings are you avoiding in relation to ….?
A – Saying no, disappointing the other person
- Discussing their assumptions created a shift in thinking, to inward focus rather than external. The second realisation of the session.
Q – If someone says no to you, how do you feel about it?
A – Accept it, am not disappointed at all.
In fact, I’m not helping them. These are my ideas.
- I saw a shift towards an action mindset after sharing that finding why doesn’t immediately create change.
Q – Knowing that why keeps us feeling stuck, what do you want to do?
A – Wow. Do something!
- Creating a positive plan was difficult for them. The pull towards the past and their current situation was evident.
Q – From what you’ve said, your process sounds miserable and limiting
for you. What do you think?
A – (laughter) That’s very true
Q – How do you want to feel/think about your process?
A – What do you mean?
- There was uncertainty around a flip of perspective, but with some explanation, they chose a more positive attitude.
Q – How else could you approach saying no, that would help you?
A -Not sure, maybe be more relaxed
The session ended with excitement about their plan.
Follow-up discussion revealed:
- They had taken their plan beyond what we had discussed(asking Dad to join in) and created a new, rewarding experience within it (felt great to share).
- They enjoyed this new perspective, during and afterwards and were surprised at the fast results.
Approach Differently vs. Avoid Again Explored
There is much room to grow and develop the tool overall, especially with ways to help clients create action and support this. Not giving up wasn’t really explored. Enquiry into this could remove barriers and motivate clients to stretch themselves.
The case study was a great reminder that attachment to how we currently think and act is so strong. As a result, moving out of our comfort zone to new places takes time and courage.
It also beautifully demonstrated that we have the tools we need within us already.
Final words
Avoidance limits us, so we need to find ways to grow.
Having some understanding of avoidance can reduce our confusion.
Understanding ourselves (coaching sessions and self-enquiry) makes us more aware of our thinking and actions, what we want and how to get there.
By approaching, we gain so much.
We can improve our emotional health, and feel empowered and more capable.
When we shift and open our minds, we see other possibilities, better options and our potential more clearly.
By taking action, making changes and improving our flexibility, we can flow with life, and move towards what serves us, with more lightness and ease.
Life is more complex than likes and dislikes.
There might not be a simple fix for avoidance, but with awareness, we have a choice of what to think, feel, believe and do.
We can find our own ways, to help us move towards what we want instead.
We are all unique and capable beings.
Approach Differently says Open Your Mind.
Avoid Again reminds me – do not Rinse and Repeat!
What will you choose?
Repeat the same thing, whilst expecting different results?
Or try something new?
References
[I] ‘Rethinking avoidance: toward a balanced approach to avoidance in treating anxiety disorders’ by Stefan G Hofmann and Aleena C Hay 2018 Elsevier Ltd.
[ii] 2013 The Regents of the University of Michigan
[iii] ‘What is Experiential Avoidance’ article by Matthew Tull 2022
[iv] http://psychology.iresearchnet.com/social-psychology/control/approach-avoidance-conflict
[v] ‘Finding Flow’ by Mihaly Czikszentmihalyi 1995, page 25
[vi] ‘Finding Flow’ by Mihaly Czikszentmihalyi 1995, page 18
[vii] Quote by Michael McCann, yoga philosophy teacher 2023
[viii] ‘The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali’ by Edwin F. Bryant 2009, page 485 - 11.8
[ix] Quote by Michael McCann, yoga philosophy teacherã 2023
[x] ‘Coping’ by E.F. Dubow, M. Rubinlicht, Encyclopedia of Adolescence 2011
[xi] Situational avoidance as a symptom of PTSD - “Mind and Emotions: A Universal Treatment for Emotional Disorders” By Matthew Kay 2011
[xii] ‘Coping’ by E.F. Dubow, M. Rubinlicht, Encyclopedia of Adolescence 2011