A Coaching Power Tool Created by Amanda Jane Franklin
(Communication and Leadership Coach, ITALY)
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars. – Khalil Gibran
How many times do we strive to be perfect, put on a mask or façade in front of others so no one can see our weaknesses or doubts, do we have that nagging conversation with ourselves about why we couldn’t have done better and beat ourselves up over our perceived failures? How many times do we try to hide from the world the fears and insecurities our negative experiences have left us with? And the biggest question of all: how deeply does all of this affect the way we live, the way we think and the way we work towards our goals?
Kintsugi is the “art of precious scars” a.k.a. “the unique beauty of a flawed object”. In practical terms, it is the art of repairing pottery that is cracked or broken with gold or silver resin, which then creates an even stronger and more beautiful work of art. In its philosophy, it is the celebration of damage and imperfections – “if an object has been damaged or is imperfect, then it has more of a history and should, therefore, be celebrated and highlighted, rather than hidden or discarded”¹
What would our lives be like if we too could embrace the idea behind Kintsugi and shift from considering ourselves “flawed” to considering ourselves “flaw-less” and celebrating who we are, warts and all?
The ‘flawed’ perspective
According to www.merriam-webster.com, ‘flawed’ is defined as ‘having a defect or imperfection’, with its synonyms including ‘amiss’, ‘bad’, ‘defective’, ‘faulty’, ‘imperfect’. Seeing words like these, it is no wonder that people often try to hide certain traits.
In our modern society, a lot is asked of us and this often conditions the way we believe we should be. This can range from being more ‘masculine’, ‘feminine’, ‘in a steady relationship’, ‘with children’, etc, as well as having the desired personality traits that are currently so sought-after like being ‘efficient’, ‘entrepreneurial’, ‘creative’, ‘proactive’, ‘resilient’, ‘assertive’ – the list is endless! With so much external pressure and so many demands on us, it is not surprising that the way we believe we should be and many of the objectives we set for ourselves are based on trying to please others rather than accepting ourselves and working towards something we truly want and identify with. The danger of this is that we will never be satisfied with who we are or with what we achieve since we will never feel good enough in others’ eyes. Our ‘flaws’ will keep standing out to us, never letting up, a constant reminder that we are lacking.
I asked several people close to me to name a negative trait they do not like and do not readily accept about themselves. Examples of some answers are:
Quite a list, though most probably not unfamiliar.
The ‘flaw-less’ perspective
Everyone has flaws – we would not be human if this wasn’t the case –but being ‘flaw-less’ means putting our flaws into perspective, understanding if what we have always considered a flaw is the case, and even when we realize that we would like to improve on one or more of our less positive characteristics, accepting these with compassion and kindness rather than berating ourselves.
Being ‘flaw-less’ means becoming more aware of how we see ourselves and our negative traits, and how we talk to ourselves because of this. We would never speak to others as we often speak to ourselves and we demand far more from ourselves than we generally expect from others. This awareness would lead us to gradually quieten that inner critic and increase that feeling of being empowered over our decisions in life. Negativity zaps energy and so by removing it, we would open up a whole lot of drive and passion to move ever forward.
Reframing perspective – moving from flawed to flaw-less
To shift from flawed to flaw-less we need to change our perspective and mindset. We have views about life and beliefs about ourselves deriving from our previous experiences, but we must keep in mind that these perceptions are the way we look at and interpret situations, not the way they are. Reframing our perspective grants us the opportunity of seeing that there is more than one (our) way of looking at a given situation, and this facilitates the letting go of what has been holding us back from accepting who we truly are. This shift elevates our thinking, opens up new and exciting possibilities, and consequently allows us to either remove the perceived barriers or to overcome them.
Seeing that the traits we have labeled ‘flaws in our character’ may not be as negative as we had always imagined will be liberating. We may learn to accept them and live with them, we may feel energized into working on them to improve ourselves (with compassion and kindness)and we may realize that they have served us well in many ways, so positivity has come out of this ‘negativity’.
Returning to the people who very kindly and generously provided me with the ‘negative aspects of themselves’, I then asked them to think about how this trait has helped them in getting to where they currently are. Here is what they said:
Self-application
Through the ICA coaching journey, I believe many of us have a more raised awareness on how much our inner critic holds us back from achieving and even attempting things we would (secretly) love to do because we too believe we are not good enough or competent enough because we are not the most intelligent, we lack vision or creativity, are quite shy, not assertive enough, and the list continues. If we are to help others find their courage and realize that what they consider to be their flaws must not be seen as insurmountable obstacles and be seen from a different more empowering perspective, we must first apply this to ourselves.
I imagine we joined this coaching journey because somewhere inside of us, however deep, was telling us that we wanted to and could support others in their journey. To serve our clients to our best abilities, we must first undergo the journey of self-awareness ourselves, ask ourselves what our limiting beliefs are, how they have served us, and if they are still serving a purpose. We need to see our ‘flaws’ as they are, from different perspectives and not from a blinkered viewpoint, and either understand that they are not how we had imagined/feared, they can easily be worked on or we can accept them with celebration or compassion. Once this has become a habit in our lives, we can then welcome the same challenge with our clients.
Coaching application
Keeping all of the above in mind, there are different steps we can use in our journey with our clients:
I especially like and will incorporate what Susan Henkels³, a psychotherapist, proposes as a question: “What if there’s nothing wrong with you?” As she says, “this does not mean we’re perfect. But we can stop spending so much time dwelling on our shortcomings and imagining how our lives will be better once we finally vanquish them …. It can help you create a clearing in the busyness of your mind and life, a space of promise and possibility that is yours to plant and cultivate.”
Let’s imagine, just for a moment, if we all managed to embrace Kintsugi and saw ourselves as ‘perfect’ not despite our flaws but because of our flaws. What a world that would be……
References
Lieberman, Eisenberger, Crockett, Tom, Pfeifer & Way: “Putting Feelings Into Words – Affect Labeling Disrupts Amygdala Activity in Response to Affective Stimuli”, University of California, Los Angeles, in PSYCHOLOGICAL SCIENCE Volume 18—Number 5
Henkels, Susan: What if there’s nothing wrong with you?” – TEDxSedona
Strauss Cohen, Ilene Ph.D.: How to Let Go of the Need to Be Perfect, Psychology Today January 12, 2018
¹https://consciouspanda.com/kintsugi-the-philosophy-of-celebrating-damage/