From the Inside Out

A Coaching Model By Mareva Godfrey, Parenting Coach, UNITED STATES

From the Inside Out Rationale

After 36 successful and satisfying years teaching elementary and middle-aged children and closely collaborating with their parents, then mentoring new teachers- becoming a parenting coach is the next exciting and joyful adventure of my life. In many existentially significant ways, this is a marriage of my life experience as a career teacher and mentor, my honed values as a mother and a co-parent, my belief (both lived and studied) that everything begins at home, AND the deeper awareness I have acquired of the importance of THE WHO while preparing to become a certified coach. 

The Implications of Core Values Identification in Parenting²

Research	Implication
Only about 10% of the population, according to Larisa Halilovic (June 2021) critically analyze and identify their own values	Ninety percent are operating by relying on default programs from their childhood, observations of friends’ actions, and societal trends.
By the age of five, these have formed and begun to be affirmed into, not only codes for behaving but also beliefs about self-image: Am I enough, am I creative, am I honest, am I loved? Is it ever okay to yell? Do I lie to avoid conflict? How do I get things I want?	It is never too early nor too late to identify the ones that help create the healthy culture of a family, which affirms the parents’ love for the child in front of them, not the one in their mind.
Foundational beliefs about right and wrong are acquired from the moment we are born through the words we hear, actions, and experiences, and our interpretation and/or misinterpretation of them, factored by the genetic disposition, or personality, of the child.	Children need consistent nurturing of a value system that will help them navigate the myriad of conflicting choices they will make to feel safe, feel valued, and successful in all the contexts of their lives. An aware parent will feel empowered in such an important task.
Children do not use language purposely until about age 2 and do not master it at a 75% level until five, which is enough reason to understand why these basic beliefs are internalized, rather than named.	Parents can intentionally begin to teach children the vocabulary of feelings and values from the moment the baby is born, beginning with identifying them for themselves
Core values instruct ALL your choices and help you simultaneously navigate between two or more.	Identifying them will help make the just-right decision easier
We are comfortable when our choices and behaviors align with our core values and miserable and out of sorts when we are in a position of misalignment.	Parenting satisfaction with family life will improve by uncovering the misalignment and addressing it from the client’s new awareness of core values leading to strength-based choices

Parenting is the most complex and impactful role anyone can undertake and yet the one that comes with no manual, no certification, and no higher education degree. There are no prerequisites at all for becoming someone’s parent. 

Target Clients

It would be natural to expect that parents seeking coaching would be those dealing with educational and/or discipline problems in their home; in other words- when their family is in crisis! For example, it is little understood that kids who are locked in values collision and defiance are responding to ongoing breaches in communication; lectures vs conversations, “always” and “never” labeling, punishment vs restitution, and shaming to name a few. Without being grounded in this knowledge and identified values, parents react rather than respond to any of the above-mentioned scenarios of why their kid is “misbehaving,” perpetuating a cycle of dysfunction and added stress. The family becomes mired in conflict and ensuing stress, while the kids are internalizing the values behind the actions from their own perspective. My preferred clients, irrespective of marital status, would be those with kids ages 5-12, and my dream clients would be those with even younger children who genuinely want to build a solid foundation for their family life from the start. Most importantly, the discovery session would reveal what their intent is and whether we would match. I would not work with anyone who feels their kids are broken, need fixing, and want me to “make it happen.” I know firsthand how frustrating it is to work long-term with this type of parent. I also have firsthand experience with those coming to me in crisis who embrace their responsibility, gain understanding, are willing to reframe their perspective, and successfully transform the way the family functions.

What It Is Not and What It Is

This is not an acronym of steps to follow, but a philosophy applicable to any client we coach. I dare say it applies to any client wanting their best life…in a family…during a transition….in a career….in a crisis….in a business setting. It augments the client’s specific immediate goals and/or their foundational understanding and greater vision.

The How to Coach From the Inside Out

In my experience, often parents come to an expert to validate their feelings of unhappiness through storytelling that focuses on others (children, spouse, and/or extended family,) and to figure out how to change it. They do not know that kids misbehave for four main reasons: they haven’t been taught the behavior (I came home to find crayon markings all over the walls,) they learned it incorrectly (My kid bit a kid at school,) they haven’t had enough practice to master it (My kid doesn’t get his homework done,) or they are in a values collision with their parents (My kid keeps violating the set 10 PM curfew.) Kids are truly not trying to disappoint their parents. Unfailingly, the significant issues end up being about the parent client, their underlying beliefs, and their core values, rather than the others in the “story.”

This knowledge validates my imperative call to fine-tune listening and coaching skills to help my clients uncover what is already inside of them and often unnamed- their core values, their WHO, their underlying beliefs- then critically analyze and apply to the most powerful role of their life as first-teacher and guide to their own children. Thus; “From the Inside Out” becomes a honing tool

• It starts with the coach critically analyzing his/her own core values, the benefits are clearly the grounding as to your WHO is in coaching and what is important to you in the coaching relationship, and what are the non-negotiables, adding to your own personal well-being and satisfaction as a coach. Many good tools can be found online. For example,https://www.artofwellbeing.com/2016/07/01/25-powerful-questions-ask-daily/
• For those of us that use intake forms as part of the Discovery process we may consider creating one or adding questions that focus on the core values of the potential client to existing forms or using assessments specifically geared toward clarifying their core values and values they have regarding children and family; https://www.lifevaluesinventory.org/ or https://www.pathtoahappylife.com/personal-core-values/  There are many specifically designed for parenting: http://sfhelp.org/parent/values.htm¹ or https://www.playattune.com/post/free-printable-discover-your-childs-personal-values-1
• If you do not incorporate the above into your practice or even if you do-listening actively to the emotionally loaded words the client uses in telling the WHAT of the story and asking open-ended specific questions could help the client become more self-aware and validate his/her choices moving forward.

What does feeling ___________ look like for you?
How does feeling ________impact your life?
What is the importance of feeling _______ in this situation?
If you had it ideally, what would you rather feel in this situation?
How does that feeling reflect your core values?

Listen for talk (aka thinking) patterns from the client; 

• that filter events for negativity and key in on the absence of anything good, 
• that personalize the situation and emphasize self-blame 
• catastrophe-making predictions, 
• that blame others instead of acknowledging their responsibility, 
• for the overuse of “I should have,” 
• for magnifications of small incidents, 
• By clinging to self-imposed exacting standards of unrealistic perfectionism, 
• for all-or-nothing thinking that sees the extremes and not what may be in the middle⁴ 

These present the opportunity in a safe and trusting coach-client relationship to voice, explore, reflect on, bring to self-awareness, challenge directly, and potentially transform the view of the present difficult parenting situation into a live practice of the thriving mindset- vital, energized, and resulting in growth to be applied to the next struggle, should the client be ready to choose this “best family life” alternative. ⁴

The Importance of Parenting From the Inside Out With Heart and Mind

I am passionate about helping parents develop INTENTION behind their parenting practices and getting clear on their essential personal and family values to effectively grow, not only fine people who contribute to the world but also to create a family life that brings everyone ongoing joy. Love is not enough. Knowing WHO you are, and what you value, and having alignment with the vision of the family you want to create is pivotal.

In the words of Sean Grover, author,

Parenting is one of the most profound growth-inducing experiences that you’ll ever know. It challenges you to be a better human being, to elevate your state of life, and expand your vision. It also offers you a rare opportunity: the chance to heal your own childhood wounds by being the parent you always wanted when you were a kid.

If a parent accepts this as a premise, then the importance of parenting with heart AND MIND- FROM THE INSIDE OUT will be embraced and deeply valued.

References

1 Gerlach, Peter MSW, April 4, 2015, Discover Your Parenting Values and Beliefs- Ideas for Family Discussion, Break the Cycle, accessed June 7, 2022
2 Godfrey, Mareva, 2022, Values Clarification: The Path to the WHO, International Coaching Academy Research Paper, accessed June 7, 2022.
3 Godfrey, Mareva, 2022, Survive vs Thrive: A Coaching Powertool for the Journey Through Challenges, International Coaching Academy Powertool, accessed June 7, 2022.
4 Mayo Clinic, Feb. 3, 2022, Positive thinking: Stop negative self-talk to reduce stress, accessed on March 8, 2022
5 Morin, Amy LCSW, Medically reviewed by Ann-Louise T. Lockhart, PsyD, ABPP, Oct.9, 2021, Four Types of Parenting Styles and their Effects of Kids- What’s Your Parenting Style, VeryWellfamily, accessed May 29, 2022