The SONGBIRD Coaching Model

A Coaching Model By Suyin Ong, Cancer & Parenting Coach, MALAYSIA

SONGBIRD Is an Important Part of Who I Am and What I Stand For

My name is Suyin Ong. I strongly believe that everyone can unleash and actualize their potential if we know our unique strengths and have the tools to overcome their challenges. The two niches I would like to embark on as these experiences are interwoven in my life and with it comes distinctive challenges:

• Parenting
• Oncology-related

With the SONGBIRD model, “SONG” references the process I use, and “BIRD” underpins the values I bring. “SONG” also represents my initial plus surname (family name). The characters in my Chinese name refer to the bird’s swallow (represents Independence). Hence, SONGBIRD is an integral part of who I am and who I represent.

SONGBIRD as a Metaphor

Songbird suggests a bird that sings melodiously implying emotions of being happy, at peace with oneself, at peace with nature/environment, and tranquility. My vision for the coachee is for him/her to be at peace with self, in a mindset ready and able to tackle life’s curveballs. And with that, he/she will be the best version of self.

SONG as the Process

S = Story (or Situation)

The coaching conversation begins with distilling the coachee’s story, and the present situation. Our brains create stories to give meaning to our experiences. When our stories no longer support us, it’s time to understand their impact and alter them to enhance our situations.

Our job is not to deny the story, but to defy the ending—to rise strong, recognize our story, and rumble with the truth until we get to a place where we think, Yes. This is what happened. And I will choose how the story ends. – Brené Brown

O = Outcome (or Objective)

This step is for the coachee to decide what he/she desires out of the coaching session. When establishing the session outcome, the coachee should ascertain what they want and not what they don’t want using the PRO model (by Penny Tompkins and James Lawley)

By accessing the desired outcome state, the client’s relationship with their problem may well change and they can access greater creativity and resources. (Lawley, 2006). 

N = Navigate

This step is to ask the coachee questions for him/her to navigate and explore what needs to happen to get to the outcome. The coachee, in the driver’s seat, navigates and explores the various options or actions or shifts in perspective that he/she can take. The objective is to help the coaches review their experience with their illness, help them uncover their concerns about death and dying, cope with the circumstances, and find purpose in their life. Once they can identify their feelings, it’s easier for them to find constructive ways to lighten their negative emotions. 

G = Grounding

This step is where the coachee decides what he/she wants to do (actions or change in mindset) and grounds it into action. This is a crucial part of the coaching process. When we’re grounded, we are like a big, strong tree – centered and balanced no matter what’s going on around us. The other point of being grounded is being realistic. As Jeff Tirengel (Jeff Tirengel, 2013), a cancer survivor says,

Somewhere between “positive thinking and feeling” and “negative thinking and feeling,” there is space available for “realistic thinking and feeling.

In this “realistic” space, there is room for optimism and pessimism, hope and despair, gratitude and anger, courage and fear, gain and loss, certainty and uncertainty, etc.

BIRD as the Values

B = Belief in Coachee’s Potential & Balance

As mentioned earlier, my belief is that every one of us can unleash our potential if we know our unique strengths and have the tools to help overcome challenges. Balance is also a critical value for me as life, in general, is not linear nor does it show up in steady flow as it comes in waves. So, it is important for us to be skillful in going with the flow and not be at extremes. 

I = Integrity & Independence

Integrity, by laying out the values that underpin me and my coaching practice, I promise to adhere to and uphold these values. My goal of coaching is not to create dependency but to give the coachee tools and capabilities to excel and grow on his/her own independently.  

R = Respect & Resilience

Respect is a fundamental value in coaching and this respect goes two ways. It’s respect for self and also respects for the coachee. Resilience is important, especially for those going through their cancer journey as it gives them the strength needed to process and overcome their ordeal.

D = Diversity & Making a Difference

I welcome people from all walks of life and embrace diversity. My purpose in coaching is to reach out and make a difference in other people’s lives. The starfish story where it’s making a difference to a starfish one by one really resonates with me. 

My name is Suyin Ong. I strongly believe that each and every one of us can unleash and actualize our potential if we know our unique strengths and have the tools to help us overcome our challenges (be it the mindset or actions). With that in mind, there are two niches I would like to embark on as these experiences are interwoven in my life, and with it comes distinctive challenges:

• Parenting
• Oncology-related

With my model, SONGBIRD, the word “SONG” refers to the process that I use, and the word “BIRD” underpins the values that I bring forth to my coaching practice. SONGBIRD resonates with me as “SONG” represents my initial plus surname (family name). The characters in my Chinese name refer to the bird swallow. My grandmother told me my Chinese name represents Independence (as was named/suggested by my grandfather). Hence, SONGBIRD is an integral part of who I am and who I represent.

Songbird as a Metaphor_[1]

Songbird conjures up the image of a bird that sings melodiously. With this, the emotions of being happy, at peace with oneself, at peace with nature/environment, and tranquility also come to mind.

My vision for the coachee at the end of the session (or course) is for him/her to be at peace with self, in a mindset, ready and able to tackle life’s curveballs. And with that, he/she will be the best version of self.

SONG as the Process

S = Story (or Situation)

The coaching conversation begins with distilling the coachee’s story, and the present situation.  Each coachee’s situation is unique which means different circumstances with distinctive needs. Without stories to set context and meaning for these circumstances, we live in a never-ending swirl of disconnected meaningless events. Our brains create stories to give meaning to our experiences and to form a sense of the continuing flow of life. Thus, stories serve to construct our necessary sense of identity and meaning. They often operate unconsciously and immediately to support our psychological stability and strength. However, not all stories serve us. When our stories no longer support us, it’s time to understand their impact and alter them so that they can work to enhance our situations.

As the coachee unveils his/her story, I believe there is “power” in the story, and it can be a conscious and/or unconscious way of unveiling his/her true desires. This is the beginning where authentic listening is critical_[2].

Noticing and exploring the coachee’s experience when telling the story can sometimes reveal a lot.  As we notice the sigh, a change in posture, or a glistening in the eye can clue us to shifts in the coachee’s internal experience. And when we explore these subtle shifts with our coachee, he/she may notice aspects of experience that were previously missing – feelings or sensations that might be suppressed or outside of his/her awareness.

Our job is not to deny the story, but to defy the ending—to rise strong, recognize our story, and rumble with the truth until we get to a place where we think, Yes. This is what happened. And I will choose how the story ends.– Brené Brown

O = Outcome (or Objective of the session)

Before beginning a Hunt, it is wise to ask someone what you are looking for before you begin looking for it. Winnie the Pooh

This step is for the coachee to decide what he/she desires out of the coaching session. The coachee needs to determine the “destination” and these destinations may be small milestones for each session with an ultimate final endpoint.  When establishing the session outcome, it is imperative to get the coachee to ascertain what they want and not what they don’t want – using the PRO model developed by Penny Tompkins and James Lawley. As James & Penny say,

By accessing the desired outcome state, the client’s relationship with their problem may well change and they can access greater creativity and resources. (Lawley, 2006)_[i]. 

We must ask, ‘What do I (or we) really want?’Although it sounds simple, it takes a lot of self-control for our emotions to refocus on what matters to us._[3]“At this point, it will be good to clarify with the coachee what the coachee wants of me as well, as a coach.

IMP = Importance / Meaning / Purpose	‘What will achieving this goal get for you or allow you to do? How will it benefit you?’
IS = Indicator of Success	‘How will you know when you’ve achieved it?’
H = Hat (Role)	What is the best way for me to serve you?  Or What would you like from me as your coach? For example, do you want me to be your accountability partner? Do you want me to encourage you (be your cheerleader)? Do you want me to be a sounding board or a truth-teller? Do you want me to be your advocate?

This outcome can be action-oriented or it could be an exploratory session to assist the coachee to understand his/her own feelings or actions. This includes why the outcome is important and what it means for the coachee at the point of the coaching session. The importance of the outcome will determine the inertia for getting to the final destination. If it’s not so important or not so meaningful to the coachee, then the coachee may not have the determination and drive to navigate through. Ideally, if the coachee can define how he/she will know he /she has gotten the outcome/goal, makes it clearer. If the goals are action-oriented, ideally they can be communicated with SMART principles.  However, do note that not all outcomes can be condensed into this:

S           Specific
M          Measurable
A           Attainable
R           Relevant
T           Time-Bound

We also need to keep in mind that not all goals are action-oriented. These goals could also encompass letting go, deciding not to do anything, being more self-aware of their situation or feelings, changing their perspectives (looking at it from a different lens) that enables them to move forward from a “stuck” position, or just shifts in emotional state can also be an outcome.

N = Navigate

As the coachee states where he/she is and what he/she would like to achieve, this step is to ask the coachee questions for him/her to navigate and explore what needs to happen to get to the outcome. Throughout this, the coachee is in the driver’s seat, deciding where to go as he/she navigates and explores the various options or actions, or perspective shifts that he/she can take.  Fear of the unknown and concern with change are usually the key reasons for a coachee to be in a negative state (in frustration, stagnation, anger, etc). Hence, this critical stage of coaching is to ask powerful questions to dig deeper into their own perspectives and beliefs.

In this part of the process, the objective is to help the coaches review their experience with their illness, help them uncover their concerns about death and dying, cope with the circumstances, and find purpose in their life. Once they can identify their feelings, it’s easier for them to find constructive ways to lighten their negative emotions. They may also be better able to communicate their needs to their loved ones and build a support network to help them prepare for what comes next.

G = Grounding

This step is where the coachee decides what he/she wants to do (whether in terms of actions or change in mindset) and ensures it’s grounded. This is a crucial part of the coaching process.  When we’re grounded, we are like a big, strong tree – centered and balanced no matter what’s going on around us. Even if something happens around us, it doesn’t influence us so much and we can feel much more peaceful and balanced. If we aren’t grounded, we’re like a leaf in the wind: very vulnerable and thrown off balance very quickly.

The other point of being grounded is being realistic. Oxford Dictionary defines grounded as “well balanced and sensible”. This is intrinsically intertwined with one of my values which is Balance.  As Jeff Tirengel (Jeff Tirengel, 2013) (Professor at California School of Professional Psychology at Alliant International University) who was a cancer survivor says,

Somewhere between “positive thinking and feeling” and “negative thinking and feeling,” there is space available for “realistic thinking and feeling.

In this “realistic” space, there is room for optimism and pessimism, hope and despair, gratitude and anger, courage and fear, gain and loss, certainty and uncertainty, etc.  This is very similar to what Kate Bowler(also another cancer survivor) claims: “Toxic positivity” is an overemphasis on the idea that our mindsets determine our reality.  She goes on to say,

I began to acknowledge the fear within my hope, the weakness within my strength, and the realism within my optimism.

One of the important things to keep in mind is that the actions that the coachee decides to take may be a small step. Our role as coaches is to watch and help track the small steps. Achieving these small steps enable us to accomplish larger goals. As Hesiod, one of the earliest Greek philosopher-poets stated 2600 years ago:

If you add little to little, and do it often, soon the little will grow, and become big. 

By deliberately and frequently linking the coachee’s efforts to the overall objective, the coach creates a sense of forward momentum and purpose.

BIRD as the Values

Underpinning the “BIRD”, which also represents my name is the values that I bring.

B = Belief in Coachee’s Potential & Balance

As mentioned earlier, my belief is that each and every one of us can unleash our own potential if we know our unique strengths and have the tools to help us overcome our challenges. My goal for the coachee is for the coachee to explore and discover themselves on a deeper level so that they can be the best version of themselves.

Balance is also a critical value for me as life, in general, is not linear nor does it show up in the steady flow, but it comes in waves. So, it is important for us to be skillful in going with the flow and not be at extremes. These extremes can be in many aspects, be it the mindset (positive optimism or negative depression). A positive life attitude is beneficial for our mental well-being though we need to be mindful that in reality, life isn’t always positive. We need to deal with painful emotions and experiences openly and honestly. Shira Zwebnerdisapproves ofToxic Positivity_[4] –

Support for cancer patients and survivors comes in all shapes and sizes, but sometimes the good vibes, encouragement and positivity can go too far.

I = Integrity & Independence

As integrity is one of my core values, I promise to adhere and uphold to these values that underpin me and my coaching practice. My goal of coaching is not to create dependency but to give the coachee tools and capabilities to excel and grow on his/her own independently. For me, success isn’t measured by how well the coachee performs with my (as a coach)’s direct help; it must be judged by how well the coachee performs after the coaching session(s). This value is one of my core principles as it is also reflected in my namesake.

R = Respect & Resilience

Respect is a fundamental value in coaching and this respect goes two ways. It’s respect for self and also respects for the coachee. Creating and giving the space for the coachee to open- up and talk is giving them respect. Being fully present for the coaches is another way of showing respect. Although I may have similar experiences with the coachee, each person’s journey, environment, and situation are unique to them.

Resilience is important, especially for those going through their cancer journey as it gives them the strength needed to process and overcome their ordeal. Resilience is defined as the ability to “bounce back” as its that ineffable quality that allows people who are knocked down by life, to come back stronger than ever. Rather than letting failure overcome them and drain their resolve, they find a way to keep going in the face of adversity. 

D = Diversity & Making a Difference

I welcome people from all walks of life and embrace diversity. My purpose in coaching is to reach out and make a difference in other people’s lives. The starfish story where it’s making a difference to a starfish one by one really resonates with me.

References

1. Bowler, Kate (2021) “No Cure for Being Human (And Other Truths I Need to Hear”\Hillard Art Museum, SONGBIRDS: NATURE AS METAPHOR | PAINTINGS BY MELISSA BONIN Retrieved from https://www.hilliardmuseum.org/exhibits/songbirds-nature-as-metaphor-by-melissa-bonin
2. Howard J. Morgan, Creating A Powerful Coach-Coachee Partnership
3. Peter Senge, Presence: Exploring Profound Change in People, Organizations, and Society, 2005
4. Powers, Kirsten (Sept 2021) “Cancer survivor blows the whistle on ‘toxic positivity’ Retrieved from https://edition.cnn.com/2021/09/30/opinions/toxic-positivity-and-cancer-survivor-column-powers/index.html
5. Rock, David (2009) “Your Brain at Work: Strategies for Overcoming Distraction, Regaining Focus, and Working Smarter All Day Long”, Harper Business
6. Tirengel, Jeff Cancer (Aug 2013) “Survival and the Tyranny of Positivity” Retrieved from https://www.simmsmanncenter.ucla.edu/cancer-survival-and-the-tyranny-of-positivity
7. Tompkins, Penny and Lawley, James Coach the Coach: COACHING FOR P.R.O.’s, Retrieved from https://cleanlanguage.co.uk/articles/articles/31/1/Coaching-for-PROs/Page1.html
8. Whittaker, R. (Aug 2019) Work & Conversations “A Conversation with Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen: The Soul of Medicine” Retrieved from https://www.conversations.org/story.php?sid=631
9. Zwebner, Shira (2020) ‘Cancer and Toxic Positivity’

_[1]When I was doing research into Songbirds as a metaphor, I came across this SONGBIRDS: NATURE AS METAPHOR | PAINTINGS BY MELISSA BONIN.  This excerpt spoke to me about my fundamental beliefs.

While birds represent the human soul and eternal life, acting as guides and forecasters… As the link between Heaven and Earth, their flight is a powerful metaphor for freedom and the soul’s journey in pursuit of higher knowledge. Moon and moonlight illuminate the Divine Feminine, while perspective, color, rhythm, and movement are used to draw the viewer in. Guided by this light, the observer is then invited to go deeper, into the water, and into the song of the terrain.

_[2]In Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen’s words, “Listening is the oldest and perhaps the most powerful tool of healing. It is often through the quality of our listening rather than the wisdom of our words that we are able to effect the most profound changes on the people around us.”

_[3]Senge, Peter (2005) “Presence: Exploring Profound Change in People, Organizations, and Society, 2005

_[4]Toxic positivity can be described as rejecting, denying, or displacing “any acknowledgment of stress, negativity, and possible disabling features of trauma” (Sokal, Trudel, & Babb, 2020). Toxic positivity is maintaining that one should have a positive mindset and exude only positive emotions and thoughts at all times, particularly when things are difficult. This approach is damaging because it discounts and discredits emotions that are not positive.