CLIENT:
In fact it seems to me that most of the times in which I have failed to be of assistance or guidance to the other individual, I have for some defensive reason, behaved in one way at the surface level while in reality run in a contrary direction. But when I accept the fact that I am bored and annoyed by this individual then I am also likely to be able to accept his feelings in response. I am also able to accept the changed feelings and experiences that are likely to occur in me and in the other individual. It has become easier to accept myself as a decidedly imperfect person, who by no means functions at all times in a way in which I would like to function, although my relationships, when I am self reflective and self aware a re no longer static.
Sense of Other
No man is an island.
This statement implies that the coachee is a social being and, thus, has significant social needs which leads him to establish relationships with significant others. In these relationships, dynamics play out to deny or satisfy the social needs he has. His behavior contributes to the dynamics, shapes the perceptions that others have of him and influences the responses of others toward him.
The coachee will come to appreciate the law of reciprocity which says that when he satisfies the need of others, in all probability, they will be encouraged to satisfy his needs. He will realize that if he lives by the common placed value of self-interest, his alienation looms larger. This realization causes a movement toward the value of quid pro quo if not working for the interest of the larger good.
The needs of individuals will differ at any one point in time. But one fundamental need remains consistent for everybody at all times and it is, as mentioned earlier, to be understood by another. The coachee is well placed after a lengthy coaching journey to acquire the skills that the coach models, in particular, the ability to ask open-ended and insightful questions and actively listen. It is a well-known phenomenon for a coachee to experiment with behaviors he has indirectly learned from the coach. To fully understand another is to put ourselves in the shoes of others and accept them for who they are. To a large degree, the awareness of self helps us to understand the other. To understand others and receive them is the act of empathy which, in the coaching process, is exercised by the coach.
Our first reaction to most of the statements we hear from other people is an immediate evaluation or judgment, rather than an understanding of it. When someone expresses some feeling, perspective or belief, our tendency is more likely to say if not have private thoughts “that’s stupid”; or “that’s right”; or “that’s unreasonable”. Very rarely do we precisely understand what the meaning of the individual’s statement is to him.
One reason for this state of affair is we do not possess the wherewithal to understand the other. Another could be that understanding the other may be risky. If you allow yourself to really understand the other person, not only will you have to surrender your point of view but also be changed by that understanding. And we all fear giving up a ‘piece of ourselves’ or changing to some degree. Thirdly, the perception of the other is through the lens of our inner image; as such, it tends to be often distorted. Relationship is possible or interesting when the other resembles sufficiently the image we project onto him or her. When this occurs there is a complementing of hopes and expectations between the partners. This inner image of the other is also conditioned by where we are in our own development and awareness. Therefore, for these reasons, it is not easy to enter completely and empathically into the other individual’s frame of reference.
The longing or recognition for renewal may inspire the individual to abandon or alter the structures of his personality and enter into a new space, roles and renewed relationships. He begins to revitalize his ideals, be more reflective and adopt a balanced consciousness of the totality of the self and the other.
Others can play a massive role in the growth and development of the coachee. They can be a source of information about the coachee which can reveal blind spots that relate to his strengths or weaknesses. Knowledge of them can lead to better leveraging of the former and consciously managing or mitigating the latter. A development tool commonly used is the 360 degree feedback; it will, apart from revealing the strengths and weaknesses, divulge the anomalies between and alignment of how the coachee perceives himself and how he is perceived by others. With such feedback, the coachee will be more aware about his behaviors and their impact which could aid him to set goals that will, when achieved, bring about change in him with a favorable outcome. Such feedback can be difficult to accept, at times, as it challenges the identity that the coachee beholds of himself.
CLIENT:
….every time I have allowed myself to enter the world of the other, I find that it somehow enriches me. I learn from these experiences in ways that change me, that make me different, that make me more responsive. In fact, my understanding of the other individual allows for him to change. It allows for him to accept his fears, apprehensions, challenges and discouragements, as well as his moments of courage, sensitivity and kindness. I realize to be understood has a very positive value to these individuals. This sense of the other is very rewarding; it reduces the barriers between others and me. I have found this to be true even in groups where I am perceived as a leader. I try to reduce the need for fear or defensiveness so that people can freely communicate. This has been most exciting and it has led me to a whole new view of what leadership can also be.
Synergy
Wikipedia defines Synergy as “the interaction of multiple elements in a system to produce an effect different from or greater than the sum of their individual effects”. Arithmetic says that 1+1=2 whereas synergy produces a different and more powerful result where 1+1 is greater than 2. The term synergy comes from the Greek word synergia συνέργια meaning “working together”. It may be described as the synthesis of energy with a multiplier effect. Synergy creates surprising movement and elevation of thought and ideas and is the source of creativity and innovation.
Coaching is a synergistic process with two individuals working towards a desired outcome; at times, that which is desired is superseded by remarkable outcomes only because of the unpredictability of the synergistic process. In the coaching context, synergy is developed by the optimal engagement of both the coach and coachee. Coaching actually leverages on the power of association to cultivate synergy. When one person shares an idea or perspective, the other person’s thought process is triggered by what he hears and he, then, presents either a development of the original idea or a new idea. While the coach, hopefully, understands his role in coaching, a large responsibility lies with him/her to ensure the active participation of the coachee without which synergy will be lacking in the coaching space.
For example, say person A alone is too short to reach an apple on a tree and person B is too short as well. Once person B sits on the shoulders of person A, they are tall enough to reach the apple. In this example, the product of their synergy would be one apple.
Relationship with the coachee:
Establishing a strong and unique relationship with the client on the basis of trust and mutual respect is a prerequisite for synergy. The value of confidentiality which will not be compromised under any circumstance must be emphasized. An attitude of respect for the client must be demonstrated by the coach when he/she is concerned about their best interests, view them as able to exercise control of their own destiny and treat them as individuals rather than stereotyping them. Furthermore, respect is shown through behavior such as active listening, providing attention and empathy, unconditional positive regard, understanding them, suspending critical judgment, expressing appropriate warmth and acceptance, communicating to them that the coach understands their world as they experience it. In addition to demonstrating respect it is equally important to be genuine, to show consistency and congruency between what you are thinking, feeling and valuing and what you reveal through your words and actions. Timing of certain interventions, especially challenging, must be done sensitively, if it is too early in the relationship it could prove to be detrimental to building the much needed trust. When the coach earns the trust and respect of the client, the initial taciturn of the latter will turn into openness and honesty and vulnerability; the coaching space becomes a safe place to bring anything to the table without fear of exposure or judgment.