Coach’s Role
The Coach’s role, irrespective of what is being addressed, be it clarity, a goal, skill or capability development or an unhelpful behavior, is to completely understand not only what the coachee has brought in and the outcome he desires but also, and more importantly, understanding his unspoken or unconscious thoughts, emotions or feelings, motives, values, inner dynamics etc. Incidentally, to be understood is a fundamental socio-emotional need of human beings which seldom gets satiated. This approach requires the coach to take a holistic stance or attitude toward the coachee by exhaustively exploring what he has brought in, the deeper and inner world of the person and uncovering ‘what he does not know’ which is having an influence on his behavior and environment. The coach’s ‘interventions’ are only effective when the understanding of the coachee’s different worlds is thorough without which the outcome is less than optimal.
Questioning and Listening:
The key skills that the coach must possess to achieve the depth of understanding are ‘asking questions and listening’. They are like two sides of a coin. We cannot ask appropriate and insightful questions without being completely present and intently listening to the coachee. Through these skills, the coach’s attention and intention is focused entirely on the coachee in a way that the latter has never or rarely experienced. Questions will be posed to the coachee that no one previously have asked of him and, thus, those questions will take him into areas, within himself and outside, he has never explored.
Asking questions and listening may sound trite and terribly simplistic. However, when we reflect upon the real world and the conversations that people have, it is a rarity to find questions being asked and listening being practiced. The norm is the continuous exchange of statements or a ping pong game of one-upmanship.
The art and science of asking questions is the source of all knowledge. Thomas Berger
Respect and Valuing:
As questions are significantly more important than suggestions, answers or advice during the coaching process, the approach taken by the coach is a non-directive and non-prescriptive one and his role is primarily that of an enabler or facilitator. This approach believes that the individual possesses the knowledge, experience and wisdom to find the answers within him to achieve the outcomes he wants. Respect or valuing the individual is a crucial element in this approach. When the coachee experiences this, the coachee, in turn, trusts and develops respect for the coach with a unique relationship ensuing between the two which is the bedrock of an effective coaching journey. The coaching space then becomes safe for authenticity and vulnerability, openness and honesty allowing for anything to be brought to the table without fear of exposure or judgment.
Sense of Self
As a counter balance to the normal orientation of action, with this approach, the coach will assist the coachee to inordinately muse and self-reflect which is characterized by openness and creativity. The outcome will be systemic thinking rather than linear thinking; attention will be directed at many more aspects of reality so that any situation is better understood and action can be planned that stands the best chance of meeting goals. Coaching will assist the coachee to think in new ways around problems and, thus, to increase the range of choices available to him .
The sine qua non of personal and professional development is self-awareness. Inevitably, when the coach is focused on understanding the person, the latter unfolds through his answers, his sharing etc. and he attains an increased understanding of himself. The coachee will discover many new and important facets about self. It will bring to the fore beliefs, values, attitudes, motivations which govern choices, decisions, action, what the coachee pays attention to and how he interprets situations.
The two significant take-aways from coaching are an enhanced self-awareness with a further quest to enrich it and the habit of self-reflecting with the latter leading to the former. The larger sense of self that ensues from the two is a spur for the individual.
Self-awareness, its adjunct self-regulation, and self-reflection are further discussed below.
Self-awareness means having a deep understanding of your emotions, strengths, weaknesses, needs, fears and drives. It extends to a person’s understanding of his or her values or goals. The decisions of self- aware people mesh with the values they hold. People with strong self-awareness are honest with themselves and with others, they are able to speak accurately and openly about their emotions and the impact they have on their work and family. They understand how their feelings influence their behaviors. This is a real sign of maturity. It shows itself as candor and an ability to assess oneself realistically. They have a self-deprecating sense of humor, a sign of humility. Self-aware people are comfortable talking about their strengths and weaknesses, their limitations and strengths and they often demonstrate a thirst for constructive criticism. People with low self-awareness interpret the message that they need to improve as a threat or a sign of failure.
CLIENT:
In my relationships I have found that it does not help to act as though I were something I am not. It does not help to act calm and pleasant when actually I am angry and critical. It does not help to act as though I know the answers when I do not. It does not help to act as though I were a loving person while actually at that moment I feel hostility. It does not help me to act as though I were full of assurance when I am actually frightened and unsure. I have not found it helpful or effective in my relationships with other people to try to maintain a façade; to act in one way on the surface while I am experiencing something quite different underneath.
Self-regulation is an important aspect of self awareness. It frees us from being prisoners of our emotions. All of us feel bad moods and emotional impulses when we engage in conversations. People with good EQ find ways to control them and even channel them in constructive ways. These people are perceived as reasonable people who are able to create an environment of trust and fairness. Self-regulation enhances integrity which is not only a personal virtue but also an organizational strength. Many things can happen due to the function of impulsive behavior or the lack of self-regulation. Often, an opportunity presents itself and people with low self-regulation just say yes. People with strong self-regulation have the ability to say no and have strong discipline and conviction.
CLIENT:
I have realized when I work with this façade it has not helped me build constructive relationships with other individuals. I find that I am more effective when I can listen acceptingly to myself, and can be myself. So that I know somewhat more adequately than I used to, what I am feeling at any given moment, to be able to realize I am angry, or that I feel rejecting to the other individual, or that I am full of warmth and affection, or that I am bored and uninterested, or that I am eager to understand this individual, or that I am anxious and fearful in my relationship to this person. I feel I have become more adequate in letting myself be what I am in a relationship. It becomes easier to control what I feel and act from that place of knowing. I find it effective when I know that I have reached my limit of endurance or of tolerance and to accept that as a fact, to know when I am being manipulative, and to accept that as a fact in myself. I am beginning to be acceptant of these feelings of warmth, interest, permissiveness, understanding etc as very real parts of me. I recognize that this acceptance has allowed for many changes and this I have learnt from my relationships outside of me and within me.
Self-reflection is the capacity of humans to exercise introspection and the willingness to learn more about their fundamental nature, purpose and essence. It is examination of one’s own conscious thoughts and feelings . Introspection is closely related to human self-reflection and is contrasted with external observation. It generally provides a privileged access to our own mental states, not mediated by other sources of knowledge. It is important to be aware when the thought pattern that is arising within. Detecting the destructive thought pattern previously gives objectivity and clarity to negate it as it rises. When we have successfully overcome a tendency with our introspective thinking, we grow. Maturity is harnessed and developed within.