Focus
The woman in this example spoke about her frustrations with online dating. She wanted to fill out a profile, but felt naked doing so – she had looked at all the profiles other people were putting up, and everyone was so perfect.
She expressed a desire to be comfortable with sharing, enough that she could attract a real potential partner – not someone that was drawn to a profile that was barely her.
She wanted to be less nervous, and more comfortable being herself in amidst all ‘the fake perfect people.’
Explore
I asked her to breathe, close her eyes, and focus on her feet. To really settle in where she was, here and now, very much herself. I then asked her to tune in to her body as she thought about the online ads.
She expressed a discomfort in her chest, like iron bars were wrapped around it, and that she felt numb and cold and hard. Like she was trapped.
I asked her if she was trapped inside, or outside – and after a moment, she said inside.
Express
I reflected back to her the description she had given, about how her body felt and the emotions that were coming up. Then I asked her what it was like inside the place she was trapped in.
She said it was actually quite comfortable. It was exactly the way she liked it, perfectly 100% hers…but she was lonely. I reflected back to her, and she took it from there.
The walls were hard, she said – that she’d lived alone for so long she was just used to it.
Learn
She made the jump here entirely on her own – no questions or more reflecting needed from me. Vary rarely I made a noise to show I was still there, but that’s all that was needed.
She spoke about how she was actually irritated at the idea that she might have to change her ways and be perfect for someone, but that she thought that was what she’d have to do. I heard her voice tightening and asked her to breathe.
Then she made the jump that maybe she didn’t have to be perfect for someone – there may be someone out there that liked her as she was…but that she’d have to show up just as she was if they were going to find her.
Her voice changed at this point, like someone putting puzzle pieces together.
Inspire
I reflected back to her what she had said, and she expanded on the ideas, making them larger, growing stronger and more energetic as she went.
Transform
I asked her to breathe and check in with her body, with those tight bands she’d described were around her chest. She said they were lighter, more comfortable, like the space inside her had expanded – but it was still there.
I asked her,
Do you want to change something about this space inside your chest?
and she said yes. Yes, she would.
She said she wanted a door – a locked door, that was locked from the inside. I asked her to imagine it and she described it as blue, with a gold handle. I asked her if she could see though it at all, and she said no.
I asked her if she wanted to, and she said yes, and proceeded to create a window. She said this window had a door that she could close and open as she pleased, and that people could see her, but only when she wanted them to.
We ended that session there, but there were many more. She wanted to go back to the heart room as she worked through creating her profile the next time, and she described using the window often – even in connecting with her relatives over the holidays.
In Closing
The model is an over-arcing way of coaching that the client moves in to the moment they begin working with it. Feel It can become a whole new way of working with the world that the client becomes accustomed to over time.
The absolute best with this model – and in coaching in general! – is when a client takes something and really runs with it, making it their own. I love how often that happens, working as a transformational coach 🙂