Elizabeth decided that she needed to have our next session two weeks from the current date. Our next session would fall on a holiday as well as she was to be over seas in China over that two week period. Although technology would allow for a session she expected to have very limited personal time on this corporate trip. We agreed to have our next session in two weeks.
Our next session presented an opportunity for Elizabeth to vent and share her frustrations over the past two weeks, a very trying time. Her youngest son Robert had begun using drugs and alcohol again and she didn’t know how to react to it. Upon my asking she explained that she felt very hurt and as a result was crying a lot and at any time of the day. She said she couldn’t stop when she wanted to and said that this was not normal for her. I spoke of this situation appearing to be a very hard thing to deal with for anyone, and in particular, dealing with a mother-son relationship. I also brought up the idea that Elizabeth may want to speak with a counselor, particularly because the uncontrollable crying may be something a mental health counselor could help with. She said that she may do that and appreciated the recommendation. We agreed our next session would be another two weeks from now. Elizabeth asked that we keep it at two weeks between sessions. She explained that with her very busy schedule, the two week interval allowed her to find the time to ponder, reflect and put in place some of her discoveries in our sessions.
Two weeks passed and we had our next session. Unfortunately, Elizabeth was now confronting additional problems with her stepson Luther. Weeks earlier Luther had been released from jail and was doing well, according to Elizabeth. He had been staying out of trouble, gotten a place to stay, regularly meeting with his probation officer and having fairly positive interaction with the rest of his family. Robert was glad to have his older brother home and seemed to be inspired by Luther’s determination to change. But after a little less than week out of jail, Luther was at an area bar, became intoxicated and found himself fighting with the police. Having been on probation he found himself immediately back in jail.
As Elizabeth relayed this story to me she was noticeably heart-broken, but what also came through was a sense of her feeling reactionary to all that was happening in her family’s life. She appeared to be confused by the lack of direction that was taking place with her husband and two sons. She was not at a point of action, but she was beginning to articulate some ideas and some movement that she would like to take place. She put it to me this way, “I have to drive the change. I need to be there. I need to show a way of how to change things.” I noted to myself that Elizabeth seemed to really be stuck on what she can do to make her adult sons get the error of their ways and change their lives without reaching rock bottom. At this point we were coming to the close of a good session and I asked Elizabeth if she would be willing to try an exercise that may help her gain a different or even broader perspective of her life, and even a possibility of what it could be. She rather quickly and enthusiastically responded yes. And so I asked her to try the following: Create a picture of your life one year from today. What will it feel like, what time do you rise in the morning, what do you have for breakfast? Where is your job, how do you get to work, are you the boss or the employee? Create a picture of what your life will look like using any medium you want. You can use journal entries, paint a picture, create a collage, sample music that you love anything that helps to articulate your vision. Once that is done just let it be for a time, and if you choose next session we can talk about it and you can tell me what it means to you. Elizabeth thought it sounded like a good idea, although at this point in the session she appeared somewhat drained and so we ended the session, agreed to meet in two weeks and said our good-byes.
It was now two weeks later and in two hours I was to meet with Elizabeth. It was then that I received the following e-mail.
Hello Bill,
Thank you for the wishes! I am also thinking about you and your boys on this day. My thoughts are with you and your boys.
I had our time slot on my calendar, but perhaps this is not a good time for you?
I had not had much time to reflect as a lot is happening at my current job and with my job searching. However, last night before I went to bed I thought about the “ideal picture”. Here it is:
Elizabeth’s ideal picture for 1 year down the road.
Robert is in school and shows a turnaround to be happier with himself and more. Luther is out of jail, but has a new/different plan than what he had last time, which involves professional help/support to succeed.
I will be more at peace with myself. I will be back in PA or closer to be able to home. I will either have a new job (new field) or open my coaching/consulting practice, or work with my husband to create a new business. I will make more time for my mother, visit her in [Eastern Europe] 2-3 times a year instead of only once a year. I can accept that my brother is a sick man and do not resent him so much for making my mom’s life very hard. I will work with my husband to consolidate our finances.
My husband has re-invented himself and has a new business. My husband drinks less or not at all and takes better care of himself.
I’ve been trying to come up with more things as part of the “ideal picture” that are only depending on me, but I keep
coming back to things that I wish for the boys or my husband!
I think I am slowly starting to come around to accept (internalize) I can only make changes for me/myself.
I believe that the above does not mean I should not think or suggest solutions for my son or my husband, but I should not expect they act on things that I wish for them to be or do. Yet, I believe it is OK for me to share what I wish for them.
This is as far as I got, but I think I need to do more soul searching. In any case, I will be on standby in 2 hours.
Thanks,
Elizabeth.