A Coaching Power Tool By David Curry, Personal Growth Coach, UNITED STATES
An Amazing Skill to Discover: Holding On vs. Letting Go
There is an old story in Zen Buddhism traditions about two monks who were walking along a path when they came upon a stream that was too deep to walk through. Standing by the stream was a woman who was looking very upset. The older monk asked her what was wrong. She explained that she needed to get across the stream but was afraid that the water was too fast and deep and would carry her away.
The older monk immediately picked her up and carried her on his back across the stream. Once on the other side, he set her safely down. The two monks continued on their walk.
As they did, the younger monk became angrier and angrier. He was shocked that the older monk had broken the strict code by which they lived that made physical contact with women forbidden. After several hours, he finally couldn’t stay silent any longer and shouted, “How could you do that? You know we are forbidden to touch a woman!!”
The older monk turned to him and said, “I put her down hours ago; why are you still carrying her?
It is very easy to become attached to things in our lives. Judgments, beliefs, rules, past experiences, and emotions can become seemingly permanent parts of our identity. Holding on to these things can be quite detrimental. Learning to let go can be an amazing skill to discover, as we will explore in this power tool.
Holding On vs. Letting Go Definition
Holding On
Holding on to Negativity
Holding on to negative feelings, judgments, or past experiences can impact people in numerous ways:
- Consumption of mental energy – when you hold onto feelings such as sadness, resentment, or anger it can use up a lot of the energy within your mind. This can create mental clutter which makes focusing on positive things and experiencing the joy of the present moment very difficult.
- Creation of limiting beliefs – holding on to past experiences can lead one to create beliefs that they are “always” going to be a certain way. Or that they can “never” do a certain thing. These beliefs can create a negative outlook on life and be a major cause of inhibiting personal growth.
- Limitation of Presence – When a person is holding onto something, they are inherently stuck in the past in some way. The only true moment that exists is now. By holding on, one is pulling themselves away from experiencing the real richness that exists in the present.
- Cycles of negativity – Holding onto negative beliefs, emotions, or thoughts can lead to negative behaviors. These negative behaviors can then lead to more negative thoughts and feelings.
Holding on to the positive
These are just a few examples of the impact that holding on to negative feelings can have on a person. In addition, it is worth noting that there can also be issues with holding on to positive feelings. How is this possible? If they’re positive, how can holding on to them be a problem?
It may be a surprise to some, but there are many ways in which holding on too tightly to positive experiences can present problems:
- Unrealistic expectations – when holding on to positive experiences, one may start to develop expectations that every experience needs to be positive or even better. This can lead to dissatisfaction when everyday life doesn’t meet these standards.
- Limitation of Presence – Just like with negative experiences, holding on to positive ones can lead to someone living in the past and missing out on the beauty of the present.
- Inability to handle difficult situations – If people rely too heavily on positive experiences, they can become ill-prepared to handle challenges. Life is sure to deal with difficulties, and people will be happier if they are ready to meet them.
- Comparison – It has been said that comparison is the death of joy. When one holds on to positive experiences too tightly, they can begin to compare their lives with others who seem to have better experiences. This leads to feelings of inadequacy and jealousy.
Letting Go
As we can see, holding on to thoughts, feelings, judgments, and experiences can have adverse effects even if the experiences are positive! Conversely, letting go can have a whole range of benefits:
- Reduced stress – this is such a big benefit that it alone would be enough reason to learn to let go. Letting go can relieve the burden of heavy emotions, reduce rumination, lower cortisol levels, and increase feelings of control. All of these can lower stress levels.
- Improved relationships – learning to let go can reduce resentment, help improve communication, foster empathy, and strengthen trust. These can all lead to better relationships and more happiness.
- Increasing self-awareness – letting go can help one to examine beliefs, identify triggers, and encourage self-reflection. All of these can lead to increased self-awareness.
- Making space for new experiences –letting go can cultivate a sense of curiosity and adventure, which combined with increased flexibility can bring new experiences into a person’s life.
- Improved mental health –letting go can alleviate anxiety and depression, increase self-esteem, enhance resilience, and encourage self-care. Any of these individually can have a significant impact on mental health. Combined, they are pretty powerful.
How to Let Go
Letting go is not an easy process. In many, there is no awareness of the need to let anything go. The process can be quite varied for different people but usually involves some of the following steps:
- Awareness of holding on and the need to let go – This is the crucial first step. Without it, there can be no growth. As obvious as it sounds, it is often the hardest to achieve.
- Identification of what one needs to let go of – it is essential to be clear on this step so that a person can focus their efforts on that specific area.
- Practicing mindfulness – learning to observe your thoughts and emotions without getting caught up in them can be one of the most effective tools in learning to let go.
- Focusing on the present – this usually follows mindfulness practice. By focusing on the present moment, a person can learn to let go of the ruminations of the past and the fantasies of the future.
- Seeking support – this is a very important and often overlooked step. Seeking support from family, friends, or even a licensed professional can be tremendously helpful. Talking to someone can help with processing emotions and provide different perspectives.
In conclusion, learning how to let go can be an extremely powerful tool for those seeking positive change. As coaches, it is immeasurably valuable to be able to help guide clients through this process.
References
Hanson, R. (2013). Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence. Harmony.
Tolle, E. (2005). A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose.