A Coaching Power Tool By Paul Crabtree, Positive Attitude Coach, UNITED KINGDOM
From Should vs. Good
“I should go to the gym tomorrow.”
“I ought to call my aunt who’s sick.”
“I have to finish this power tool this weekend.”
“Should” statements are an example of Cognitive Distortions, irrational thoughts, and beliefs that we all have in some form and to some extent. They could also be described as unhelpful thinking habits and may have evolved as a survival method. They become embedded over time and, for people who are strongly present, are correlated to depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. This paper will focus on “Should” statements. Each of the recognized distortions has its own toolkit and suggested framework for resolution. Some other forms of Cognitive Distortion are shown below:
- Disqualifying the Positive. For example, you get a great line manager appraisal at work but reject the idea you are a good performer, thinking the review was fabricated for some reason, even when facing evidence to the contrary.
- Jumping to Conclusions. Mind Reading, Fortune Telling. The inaccurate belief that we know what someone else is thinking eg “That guy must really hate me.”
- Catastrophizing or Minimisation. Exaggerating or minimizing the importance, likelihood, or significance of something. “I’ve screwed this project up, I’m going to get fired, have to sell my house, be destitute and freeze under a bridge.”
Cognitive Distortions were first documented by the American Psychiatrist, Aaron Beck, in the 1960s, in the field he pioneered – Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), a form of psychotherapy. Beck’s study of psychiatric patients with depression fed his early observations about their perception and reasoning. He noted a negative view of the world, and of the future, accompanied by deep self-criticism. Patients showed systematic errors in cognition, much more than the average individual, resulting in negative self-bias. CBT was developed further and made accessible to the masses by another American psychiatrist, David Burns, a student of Beck. In the 1980s, Burns’s book, Feeling Good, popularised what he termed Unhelpful Thinking Styles. “Should” statements made it to the fore here, with Burns noting the paradox that individuals’ attempts to motivate themselves could lead to apathy and a decline in motivation.
Today, at least ten forms of Cognitive Distortions are recognized in the field of psychiatry. “Should” statements, and those including “ought” and “must” are seen to be a form of self-chastisement, and, like other distortions, lead to a negative view of life, and guilt that we cannot live up to those expectations. These statements may also be targeted to others, in which case we project their inability to rise to the thinker’s targeted “shoulds”, leading to anger and resentment. In life, it is not difficult to spot the signs of these distortions in one’s self and in others.
Power Tool: From Should vs. Good
It is evident this CBT grew from the traditional “disease model” of psychology in Beck’s initial studies, into a more positive and enabling practice in psychology, often labeled Positive Psychology, a fully-fledged branch of the profession that complements traditional psychology and whose definition is: The scientific study of psychological well-being and human flourishing. Another definition is “the science of the good life”. I have chosen to name this Power Tool: From “Should” to “Good” – unwinding negative self-talk and retraining your brain to create productive outcomes.
How, then, does one flip from a perspective of self-sabotage to one of positive change? How can a coach help their client become self-sufficient in addressing their irrational thoughts? Four key steps in this journey can support this transformation, the “4C”s:
- Catch. First of all the client must be able to identify and spot the distortion happening. In the case of “should” statements, that can be relatively straightforward as the key is in the word and in the emotion associated with it. “Must”, “ought” and “have to” might also pop up.
- Call. Help the client label what they are addressing. Technical jargon need not be used – it would be better to use the client’s own words when questioning the topic in a coaching session. For example: “I’m giving myself unrealistic goals”, “I’m putting pressure on myself”.
- This is a key step in the process as it begins to unpick the illogical statements and build rational, positive arguments to oppose or counterbalance them. Numerous techniques are available in the CBT toolkit, some will be outlined later. The key outcome is that the client is able to rationally convince his/her conscious mind that absolute statements like “should” are not self-serving or representative of objective reality.
- Successful change lies in the insights from the Challenge phase. The key is to support the client in reframing a perspective that leads to thoughts that are positive, rational, and realistic. “I HAVE to get this research paper finished this weekend” could transform into “I’m really interested in the topic of this paper, and can get a decent chunk of it done this weekend – that will be very satisfying.”
A key step in discovering the “flipped” version of reality is the exploratory phase of the Challenge. The goal here is to accept and then explore the fact that, even though the brain presents information as fact, those “facts” are not really factual, but rather tricks to trigger a specific behavior. Unwinding these tricks is essential – it leads to challenging the beliefs that they instill, and testing what the brain tells you.
It’s a tall order to train the brain to stop believing all its magnificent tricks and distortions, especially when, like old friends, they may have been around for years and years, as long as you remember. In fact, just like old friends, you might have a soft spot for them, their presence may be somewhat comforting, their quirks and foibles reassuring. But they are not helping. So, like old friends, we’ll keep them around but we’ll handle them on our terms. Here’s a way to do that:
- Look for the contrary “I ought to go to the gym”. What’s the logic? The value? What alternatives are there? What is the client trying to achieve? Has the goal been achieved in some other way? (yesterday I went spinning so maybe that’s enough cardio?!)
- Challenge your beliefs. This is about experimentation and recalibrating those old friends. For example, “Actually the gym is mostly about social interaction and the free coffee, and sometimes I can charge my car for free”. This is also about rebelling, in a low-risk experiment. “Who says I’m too tired to do the gym after work and after shopping. Let’s give it a go!”
- Daily “Can-Do’s”. These are examples of operationalizing the challenges discovered in the step above: “So even though I knew gym after work and after shopping was impossible, I did it anyway.” It’s about testing how far and how hard you can push against those old friends – in the aim that your brain will not talk you out of doing something. In fact, the aim here is to become less convinced over time by those old friends. This leads to the brain learning and re-calibrating.
The client’s toolkit in this process is for them to build and embrace. There are of course many established practices in coaching and CBT to support living the Good Life. Positive affirmations, perhaps several for different topics or challenges, may be used to build a positive, rational picture of the flipped perspective. Perhaps a catchy catchphrase to tie this all together, eg “Healthy people go to the gym”. This could even distill down into a personal mantra, perhaps attached to a physical totem, that represents this move from Should to Good.
The power of shifting one’s perspective is the key to opening the door to the Good Life. But what exactly is a good life? How do you know if your coaching sessions and monster-baiting actually worked? There are many frameworks and theories, well beyond CBT and Positive Psychology, going back to Socrates via many and varied philosophies. Personal, socioeconomic, cultural, and geographical biases will skew an individual’s appreciation of their life domains, yet some universal truths do shine through as evidence of the Good Life:
- What do you value? Figure this out and you have a better chance of having meaning in your life.
- Which life domains do you value most? It’s rewarding to invest in activities that you value
- Invest in your strengths. You’ll achieve your goals and a feeling of satisfaction by playing to your strengths.
- Set valued goals. There’s a strong personal benefit in planning and achieving goals that matter.
- Relationships (good ones!). Healthy, high-quality relationships across life domains are key to achieving our life goals.
Through coaching and through reframing to positive, rational, and achievable perspectives, clients can benefit from the many elements of a good life: gratitude; happiness; well-being, appreciation, and reinforcement of their unique talents. It’s a powerful shift of perspective with a whole lot of underlying theories. From a coaching perspective, the good news is that the Good Life can be taught. The other good news is that coaching and Positive Psychology align on their objective: to positively impact the client’s life. The next time you hear “I really should … “, it’s an opportunity to reframe a perspective and move from Should to Good.
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