A Coaching Power Tool By Christie Chua, Transformational Coach, SINGAPORE
How to Overcome Frustration vs. Motivation
Creating this power tool was part of a personal journey for me.
In most of my career, I would face issues and challenges head-on. There seemed to be this invisible power and drive that allowed me to bulldoze my way through such problems with force, it was almost like it was an unlimited source! After a life-changing event, I started questioning my purpose in my work. And soon, I realized, the drive was no longer there. I felt knocked off my game, diminished, and soon, every issue and every challenge was getting harder to overcome. I also started to blame myself and felt terrible wondering how I could have allowed myself to get to this point. It took a while, but I soon started to wonder – is every challenge and issue going to constantly bring my life to a grinding halt? Also, isn’t it tiring to keep having to ‘restart’ the engine constantly? Something had to change.
In my younger days, I took up Aikido. I recall in my first practice session, I had to physically face an opponent much larger and bigger than me. My coach gave me what seemed like an impossible task- do not allow the opponent to move you from your position. I remember during my first few tries, I would brace myself for impact, or try my best to fend him off head-on, but nothing would work. My coach then told me to stop, breathe, observe my opponent’s movements; and when the timing was right, use his movements to my advantage. Recalling this memory, became my first encounter with shifting frustration to motivation.
Shifting Frustration vs. Motivation
Definition of “Frustration”
According to the Oxford Dictionary, “frustration” is “the feeling of being upset or annoyed as a result of being unable to change or achieve something”; it is also “the prevention of the progress, success or fulfillment of something”.
Definition of “Motivation”
In that same dictionary, “motivation” is “the reason for acting or behaving in a particular way”; in fact, it is also the “desire or willingness to do something”. In most of us, motivation is the driving force behind our actions – what fuels and guides us to achieve our goals.
The Shift
Frustration is an emotion that we feel when we are prevented from fulfilling a desired outcome or goal. Because it is an emotion, it is likely that we get caught up in the feelings that are attached to it, be it anger, hurt, or disappointment. Much like the advice from my Aikido coach, most articles about how to deal with frustration start with the same thing – STOP.
Take a moment, stop, and breathe. Practice self-compassion; acknowledge the feelings and emotions without judgment and recognize that it is all part of the process. After gently acknowledging the emotions, park that aside, and
Observe
What is happening on hand? What is causing the frustration? Take some time to reflect on the source of your frustration. Once we can identify the root cause of the frustration, we can then start to develop a plan which we
Analyse
Understand how best to address it. Is there a more positive way of approaching it? Reframing our thinking in a more positive way allows us to use what was frustrating us to our advantage – to finally take
Action
Turn it into our motivation.
The Power Tool in Action
My client, T, was feeling stuck in his dream job. He had been in the industry for more than 10 years, and he had always been working towards a leadership position so that he can provide a good and carefree life for his young family. After many years of working hard and building a good reputation, he finally landed his dream job – one that paid well, and that would give him the good title he was after. However, after a couple of months on the job, he started feeling stuck. He was frustrated because he felt that this job was not turning out the way he had hoped for, and he felt unfulfilled. The more he pushed himself to continue, the more unhappy he got, and the more burnt out he felt. It came to a point when he decided he might want to leave his job, but that came with yet another set of stress and pressure. Feeling highly frustrated like there was no way out, he started to get depressed, and that was when he came to me for help.
When he first approached me, I could sense there was a lot of emotion as he relayed his issue to me. Instead of jumping directly into the questions with him, I invited him to pause to take a few minutes to re-center and practice self-compassion: acknowledge and accept his feelings of frustration, and recognize that it is a normal part of the process to allow him to feel the emotions without judgment. As he calmed down, he elaborated further about how the current job did not allow him to work at his full potential, and that he felt like his wings were ‘clipped’.
I encouraged him to identify what was truly causing his frustration – was it an external or internal source, was it a specific situation or a general circumstance? During this period of exploration and discovery, I used the following questions to help uncover more specifics:
- What is the factor(s) that are causing you to feel this way?
- What might be the source of your frustration – Is it situational or circumstance?
- What happens when you get frustrated?
The time came for him to devise a plan on how to move forward. The next series of questions helped him visualize what the new future might look like and how he could potentially get there:
- What is the outcome you’d like to achieve?
- What is the bigger need you are trying to fulfill?
- What makes it important for it to be fulfilled now?
- What would it take to get you to where you want to be?
As soon as he was able to verbalize and imagine what his outcome was like, we were able to focus on turning negative to positive. Each time he identified the positive, I could see his energy shift from one of hopelessness to that of power and determination. We started to set small and achievable goals for him to focus on. This helped him build momentum and soon, he started to regain a sense of control of the situation. Identifying the larger outcome for him was important, as it helped him to stay focused on the end result. Ultimately, my client made a few conscious shifts, and he is working hard towards his goal with a sense of purpose and determination.
Identifying the Source of Frustration vs. Motivation
Frustration can be quite debilitating and limiting, and oftentimes, it can cause us to temporarily lose sight of our goal and the larger outcome. Frustration is also very real, and very much a part of everyone’s lives. Our usual habits kick in, and we become self-deprecating and highly critical of how we allow ourselves to fall victim to the problem at hand.
But we do not have to keep allowing this vicious cycle to come around time and time again. We have it in ourselves (and with our coaches, of course!) to break the cycle. Once we start getting more aware of our behaviors and how we are reacting in such situations, that’s where self-compassion can come into play – acknowledge it, accept your frustration, recognize that it is very much a part of the process; allow ourselves to feel the emotion but not get swept up by it. Identifying the source of your frustration will take time because things can present themselves to be quite complex and tangled. Having a positive outlook on the situation will allow us to reframe our thinking, to stop focusing on the negative aspects of the situation.
In the end, I was able to break the cycle of my lack of purpose that I faced as well. Every day, I remind myself that “I am capable of overcoming this frustration”.It is a challenging process, but with every step I take, that feeling of being able to regain control over what seemed like an impossible outlook starts to break down and become manageable.
With my shift and a new outlook, I found a new purpose and have been making the most of my situation in every way possible. I have even started to feel grateful for the changes that took place. It is truly powerful to look at my frustration and turn it into what motivates me every day. One of my daily mantras is “I am worthy of this challenge, and nothing is going to stop me from overcoming it”.Much like how one needs to rebuild trust in a team that is going through anger and frustration, I felt like I was rebuilding trust in myself, at a deeper level, to ensure that I believe that I can overcome my frustration.
What helped me, and is continuing to help me even on my low days, is how I visualized my goal to be. I imagined experiencing the positive outcomes that come with it. That has helped me to stay motivated and focused as I move towards my desired result.
References
Achor, Shawn (2011), The Happiness Advantage. Virgin Books
Daweck, Carol S., Ph.D. (2016), Mindset. Ballantine Books Trade Paperback Edition
Neff, Kristin (2011), Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind To Yourself, Hodder & Stoughton
Understanding Frustration
Managing Anger, Frustration, and Resentment in your team