A Coaching Power Tool By Lucy Todd, Career Transition Coach, UNITED STATES
The Difference Between Conventionality vs. Individuality
How a Conventionality Mindset Shows Up
When someone feels that they “should” be thinking or doing something differently, it’s often a sign that they’re viewing their thoughts, habits, or goals from a perspective of Conventionality. That’s “how it’s done” or “how others do it,” so they should do it, too!
Conventionality is the idea of conformity, standards, or any beliefs or practices that it’s just assumed you should follow. Anyone can encounter difficulties with conventionality. It can show up as what actions you take or what you believe, as well as what actions you don’t take or what you don’t believe.
Sticking with the conventional path can cause internal challenges. Maybe you hear a song you like but decide not to share it with your friends because it’s not the genre they listen to; now you feel you should hide your new interests from them to keep the friendship secure. Maybe you fix your own sink and really enjoy the process but worry that your spouse would disapprove if you said you want to quit your corporate job to become a plumber — so you stick to what you know since it’s been working out pretty well so far. In this case, the conventionality trap can lead to missing out on things that you really want.
When it comes to what you don’t do, embodying conventionality can show up as not taking the conventional or expected path — and feeling guilt, shame, or other forms of internal and external judgment as a result. Examples include not going to college, not joining the family business, or not getting married.
So, you can see how following conventionality and not following conventionality can both lead back to the sense that keeping the status quo is the best option, even if it’s not what makes you happy.
Let’s dive into a specific example in more detail — careers. Many believe that a successful career “should” include promotions on a prescribed path — from junior to senior to manager to an executive in the C-suite. So, they believe they want that promotion! But maybe they just can’t seem to motivate themselves to take the steps to win it. Or maybe they do take those steps and even earn the promotion, but they don’t feel the accomplishment or satisfaction that they think ought to come with it.
It turns out that this is pretty common. About 40% of leaders in a survey said that becoming an executive wasn’t a positive experience for them. In fact, many said that their transition to the C-suite was as stressful or even more stressful than parenting teens, going through a divorce, or even grieving the death of a family member.
Any number of reasons could lead to this feeling (including improper support from the company, external factors in other parts of their lives, or limiting beliefs). But it’s also worth considering how many of these people didn’t truly ever want the promotion in the first place. How many of them simply thought they “should” move up the ladder?
According to Pew Research, over half of the workers who willingly left their jobs in 2021 (53%) did so to change roles or even industries! So, it seems that the conventional career path isn’t for all of us.
Introducing An Individuality Mindset
Individuality often requires bucking tradition. While you’ll certainly resonate with some traditional beliefs and systems in life, there will be areas where you go against the grain.
Individuality encompasses some conventional perspectives along with others that are quite the opposite. And every individual will have a different blend of conventional and unique perspectives that make them who they are.
When you begin to embrace the idea that you’re allowed to think and act differently from the convention — what’s expected, what’s “best for you,” and what you “should do” — the result is that you begin to trust yourself more, explore your own wants and needs, and often end up much happier and more satisfied with your own life as a result.
Of course, none of this can be achieved without getting honest with yourself about what you want. A supportive coaching relationship can help clients to get there.
Conventionality vs. Individuality in Coaching
Cultural norms and expectations are instilled in us from a very young age. For instance, one study taught children the rules of a game and then had them observe other children playing that game. The observing children frequently intervened to correct kids who weren’t following the rules.
Now imagine how we carry this perspective into our adult lives: how we often believe it’s our job to tell others what we think they should and shouldn’t do. And conversely, we should listen to what others have to say about our lives.
In this way, it can be a difficult process to recognize that our “shoulds” aren’t actually our own beliefs, but instead the beliefs of those around us (friends, family, colleagues) or of society at large. And from there, there’s more work to be done in uncovering what your unique beliefs are.
The Conventionality vs. Individuality power tool is designed to help clients recognize what “shoulds” in their lives are holding them back, and what they truly want instead.
If we stick with the topic of careers, here are some ways that a Conventionality mindset could show up in coaching sessions.
- “I just found out my boss is leaving, and they want to recommend me to replace them! Everyone says I should be so excited and proud … but that’s not how I feel.”
- “I just got promoted, but I hate my new job! I should be grateful. What’s wrong with me?”
- “I took this assistant job and I actually really love it. But I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone. Being an assistant isn’t something to be proud of.”
- “My career has defined me for the last decade … but lately part of me wants to be a stay-at-home parent. That’s crazy, right?”
- “I’ve been in this industry for 15 years. I don’t think I can take it anymore … but I can’t just start over, can I?”
A coach can help a client shift from a Conventionality mindset of what they think they should do or feel to an Individuality mindset — a belief that what’s “right” isn’t what they think they should do or the way they think they should feel, but what’s ideal to them personally. The coach can facilitate this shift in many ways, including reflecting the client’s words back, making observations, challenging limiting beliefs, and suggesting alternate viewpoints for the client to consider.
A coach might explore this in ways like:
- “You said that ‘everyone says you should be excited and proud.’ What’s important to you about what others are saying?”
- “As you’re talking about this promotion, you asked, ‘What’s wrong with me?’ What brought that up?”
- “It sounds like you love this new role, but you don’t feel you should be proud of it. Still, it seems like you are proud of it. Is that right?”
- “You say ‘that’s crazy,’ but you seemed to really light up when you mentioned being a stay-at-home parent. What do you think?”
- “Let’s step back and imagine that you do start over. What does ‘starting over’ look like to you?”
Using the examples from the Conventionality mindset, here are some possible ways that the Individuality mindset can help clients to foster self-acceptance and even excitement about their unique paths.
- “I just found out my boss is leaving, and they want to recommend me to replace them! I thought I should take the job, but it just didn’t feel right. I was worried about what other people would think if I didn’t take it, though. And when I talked it through with my coach, I realized that I’m actually ready to leave, too. That’s why I didn’t want the job. So, I need to have a conversation with my boss.”
- “I just got promoted, and I’ve been thinking that I hate my new job, even though I should be grateful for it! My coach helped me realize that I don’t actually hate my new role — I just didn’t believe I could succeed at it because my career path looks different from my peers. But I’m starting to see that there’s more than one path to success. I’m taking seminars on imposter syndrome to boost my confidence and kick this job’s butt!”
- “I took this assistant job and I really love it. I was embarrassed to share that with anyone, but I realized it was a really big step out of my comfort zone and into something that feels new, exciting, and more aligned with what I want. Now I’m proud of myself for making the right decision for me, and I’m examining what’s so important to me about what others think.”
- “I thought transitioning from being career-driven to being a stay-at-home parent was the wrong choice. Not wrong for me exactly, but like I would be judged by other people for it. And in talking with my coach, it turns out I was judging myself more than I thought. I’m realizing that what feels right for me isn’t ‘crazy’ just because it’s different from what I used to want.”
- “I’d been in my industry for 15 years and I was totally sick of it, but I didn’t think starting over was even an option. As I unpacked that with my coach, I realized it’s because I know everything about this industry — but I don’t know anything about what I want to do next. I can’t move forward because I don’t know what I want. So, I’m making an action plan to understand my current situation and identify the best next step for me.”
It’s critical to note that these are all examples of a possible Individuality mindset from each of the Conventionality prompts. Given the exact same scenarios, a coach could ask a vast number of different questions than those shown here. Even given the same scenarios and the same questions, the resulting Individuality mindset would still be quite different for any two people — their unique backgrounds, experiences, and underlying beliefs would result in very different outcomes.
In fact, the custom approach of a coaching conversation allows the client to determine their own path in a way that formulaic answers or advice simply couldn’t. Advice may do very little to help someone shift from a Conventionality mindset to an Individuality mindset because it hinges on the idea that someone other than the client has the right answer. “Here’s what I would do,” “It’s pretty clear to me that the answer is this,” or, “A career podcast episode said you should do this,” all reinforce the idea that what the client “should” do is what someone else thinks they should do. The Individuality mindset can help to free a client from this limiting belief.
References
https://www.ddiworld.com/blog/executive-transitions
https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2022/03/09/majority-of-workers-who-quit-a-job-in-2021-cite-low-pay-no-opportunities-for-advancement-feeling-disrespected/
https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.2112521118